Saturday, December 31, 2011

How far I've come.

I found a poem I wrote on October 1st

I feel stuck
Everything slipping away
Too fast, so confused
Even still
I am progressing more
Staying still
Moving on
What will it take?

In just a few short months, look at how far I've come.

Not Goodbye.

I couldn't sleep, so I set about getting some housecleaning done. I'm getting some new hand-me-down furniture from my mother in the next two weeks, so I figured I should tidy up the place. My upstairs looks amazing, thanks to IKEA. I will post pictures in a future post, I promise, but let me just say this: There are rainbows involved.

While I was cleaning up my desk area, I found a letter I wrote to my boyfriend ten months ago, but I didn't give it to him.  I'm glad it never reached him.

I love you.
For the first time in my life I know what I want, and that's you. But that commercial is right.  Valentine's Day is an opportunity to celebrate "us," to say that I love "us."
Lately...I don't. I love you, and you have helped me love myself too. I wish that we were greater than the sum of our parts, but we're not. 
I am a jealous, insecure person. I try to hide it behind the bigger, better parts of me - the loving, eager, dedicated, vivacious Heather.
You are amazing. Everything I've ever wanted. Smart, funny, handsome, and independent. You can be so sweet, so romantic.
I need you. I need you to love me. I need the romance. Sweet text messages, or supportive Facebook comments. Showing up randomly with flowers or waking up to a romantic email. I don't think you can give me those things.
Well, I think you can because you used to. I don't think I am the one for you. I don't think your heart beats faster when you see me, I don't think the thought of losing me breaks your heart. I don't think you care whether or not you hurt me, only if there are consequences for hurting me. 
You won't chase me after you read this. Even if I told you you could change my mind. You know I'm right. You aren't in love with me. In your own words, you love me because I entertain you.
I love you, and I want to be with you. I want to marry you and have a life with you. My life began when I met you. 
Nobody has ever changed me so much for the better. I am so grateful to you. I hope one day you are happy with your life, and you find a partner who is good enough, and strong enough, for you.
As for me...I deserve to be loved completely. When I'm sad, when I'm fat. When I'm lazy, when I can't be calmed down. I'm trying to be happy - with my life, and myself. I need to be with someone who loves me and needs me as much as I love and need them.
It breaks my heart that you don't. I would have married you tomorrow had you wanted. My life is yours, and it always has been.
I'll miss you. Be happy.
You are loved.
                                                       -Heather Baby


Friday, December 30, 2011

Facing the Shadow on the Threshold

My entire life, I've struggled with chaos.
When I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in the 8th grade, it was during a time of great upset within my family. My parents were divorcing. I'd always been an angry child, bittersweet, because I'd shower you with kisses and then go for the juggular, only to shower you with kisses the next moment. As I grew older, I wanted to find peace. Comfort in my own skin, contentment in my life, satisfaction with the choices I made. I tried going to church, and reuniting with nature. I tried to lose myself in my books or video games. My quest for peace became so desperate, I tried to escape reality instead.
I am finding it now. I feel I have a somewhat tenuous grasp on my sense of contentment, but my passion burns inside of me, turning my self-loathing into a glowing, metaphysical battering ram of determination.

I've stated before that this year I awoke from what I call an emotional coma. I haven't felt my eyes so wide open since I was 8 years old. I know that with time, discipline, and dedication, the world is going to shine just that much brighter. 

I am so excited to see.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I need to rant.

My ex's parents are terrible people.

They never pay their bills, so they get new phone numbers every 3 months or so. Or they'll wait til the service gets shut off, and they'll take out a payday loan in order to pay it. Same with their DirecTV.

Same with the rent. They never pay it. So they get evicted and start again somewhere else. They live in the same town, so I don't know how they get away with it. It is B.F.E Wyoming though, so I guess that's why, but gosh. The father makes a lot of money, so there is no excuse.

I have some debt. Mostly medical bills from getting my gallbladder out (no insurance) and student loans, but I do NOT live like these people.

They're just...terrible. I know that's why my ex doesn't pay child support without throwing a fit, even though he makes over $3k a month. In Wyoming. That's more than enough to live off of when you're a single dude. He just wasn't raised to be accountable.

Argh. I can't stand knowing people like that exist and live in such excess and waste, when I'm a good person and I work hard and I strive to improve myself and the world and I can barely get by.


Growing Pains

Today, as I read The Spiral Dance, I felt a very peculiar sensation. It felt as if my mind were stretching out, as one would stretch a sore muscle after a workout. It wasn't unpleasant, but it wasn't very pleasant either. It was indescribable beyond saying it felt like my mind was expanding beyond the boundaries of comfort.

It made me feel a little bit afraid.

I understand that The Spiral Dance is a provocative book. I hesitate to call it controversial, although Starhawk's blatant feminism has been and still is the topic for many flame wars. Her history is questionable, but I find her passion unmatched. She was a film student, so I guess it's only natural that she would have a flair for the dramatic. Overdramatic, some might say.

My mind still feels a little, well, sore. I think I've been using it too much through trying to train myself via meditation and reading books and exploring my religion a little more. It's only going to get worse too, because school starts in a week or so.

Oh, sigh. I love being this strong.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

New Year's Resolutions

With only a few days left in the year, I figure it's time to make some promises to myself for 2012.

2011 was the year of my awakening. I allowed myself to heal, to rest, to dream. The world is brighter and more beautiful than ever to me, and I want to be as vivid and vivacious as this new universe that I'm perceiving.

  1. Be a better mother.
  2. Thrive in college.
  3. Work harder than ever.
  4. Build my altar.
  5. Eat as eco-friendly as possible.
  6. Avoid the word "hate."
 I think these are all things I would do anyway, even if it wasn't the beginning of the new year, but I think the renewal of life that is coming will help beckon me towards a new life full of promise and joy.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll find that elusive inner peace that I've been searching for all of my life.


I started meditating last night. It went rather well, I think. I only fell asleep once. I did it right before bed time, so I guess now I know to do it a little earlier in the future. As I am only just beginning to train my mind to perceive the world in a different manner, the meditation process I followed was like this:
  • I set a timer for 15 minutes, and placed it under my blanket to muffle it.
  • I laid down on my back with my hands resting on my abdomen.
  • I counted each exhalation, without changing the speed or depth of my breaths, up to four.
  • I repeated step 3 until the timer went off.
  • I focused on the act of counting. When my mind would wander, I would firmly, but calmly bring it back to counting, as I would a child.
  • I remembered to beware the act of acknowledging that I was successfully counting.
It was harder than it seems, but I feel great. I will continue this for two weeks, and then after that I'll go to 20 minutes. Two weeks at 20 minutes, and then I'll go up to 25 minutes for another two weeks. And then, I will reassess and maybe start a more visual meditation.

The Thousand Petaled Lotus, perhaps.

Monday, December 26, 2011

My Path

I grew up with an LDS mother and a Roman Catholic father. I was not oppressed religiously by any means. I'd go to church one week with my mother and the next with my paternal grandmother. I enjoyed church, but I never felt a personal connection with the Christian god.

In my teens, I explored Paganism and Wicca, but my mother cut that off with her paranoia and fear of Satan. Our lives were hard enough, she'd say, and inviting the devil inside would only make things worth. I've tried over the years to assimilate once again with the LDS church, but while I appreciate the buzz of being in a room with a bunch of people who are strong in their faith, I did not share their convictions.

Now that I am grown and run my own household, I am ready to embark upon the Wiccan path once again. I feel great about it. It resonates with me unlike anything I've ever known. There is still much I don't know, and I have yet to write my own ritual and build my altar, but I feel good.

I'm very excited for the year to come.

Friday, December 23, 2011

I am so excited for 2012.

I am heading back to college. So stoked for that. I start January 3rd. I'll be going for my Direct Transfer Associate's Degree in Business. That means I'll be able to get priority admission to the University of Washington in a couple years.

The University of Washington is my dream school. It is a very good school. I plan on attending the Business School there and eventually getting my MBA. I also plan on majoring in Korean, so the first couple years are going to be hardcore. I'm so excited for that.

In the meantime, I'm attempting to learn Korean on my own. Just basic Korean. I'm learning at Talk to Me In Korean and I must say, I really like it. It's very much affordable. And by that I mean, it's free. I plan on buying the content that isn't free though. I want to support this site.

I feel good, and I feel like I'm learning. I'm very happy. I don't know who this person is that I'm turning into, but I really like her.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

To End 2011

I had a crazy year.

  • It was my first full year with my boyfriend.
  • My daughter turned 4.
  • I got a great job in Seattle.
  • I totaled my car.
  • I got reunited with my baby brother.
  • I made some awesome friends.
  • I realized my goal is to pursue balance in my life.

I also realized this year that I can be happy, even when things aren't going so well. I'm almost 24, and this was a hard lesson to learn. I guess I was just sick of feeling so heavy all the time, and I realized it wasn't just my weight making me feel that way. It was my attitude. I know, I've made so many promises to myself that this is the way it's gonna be from now on, or that behavior is going to stop...but this time I mean it. I'm ready for my life to change.

I am ready to Thrive.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

What A Day!

I had a long day. I woke up around 8:30am, and headed to job club at Worksource. Job club is this kinda neat thing where all the people on TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families) get together once a week for a workshop or just to discuss the obstacles in finding a job or to network, etc. It's kind of cool to commiserate with a bunch of people who know what you're going through. At least, in that aspect of your life.

At 11am, I had an appointment with my caseworker at my mental health clinic. That went really well. She seemed really supportive and nice. That was new. I usually think she's a sociopathic bitch, but that's not really fair of me, is it?

I came home after that to wait for a Very Important Phone Call.

My brother, after almost two years of no contact, was finally going to be released from the No Contact Order issued after a domestic violence dispute we had. I missed him so much. I made phone calls and looked for work while I waited. Finally, at 4pm, I got it. It was all over. I finally could see my brother again.

I saw him tonight, and it was all teasing, affection, and humor. Even a little adventure! Oh man.

My sister is coming for a visit in a couple weeks.

I'll have my family again.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Under the Gun

I don't want to be rich.
I don't need to be famous.
I don't want everything to be given to me.

I just wish there was a magic pill that took away my stress. I don't need some magic solution to all of my problems. I just wish I could handle shit better. There are so many things I have to do, and since I don't handle stress well, shit just compounds and the situation gets worse! For example: my daughter's daycare keeps getting lice infestations. This daycare also has a no-nit policy. So if there is even a stubborn piece of dandruff on my daughter's head at inspection, they'll send her home. Treating lice is EXPENSIVE! I've cleaned my house and all the linens about five trillion times, and so has my mother at her own home. I even took my child to the Urgent Care so we could both get inspected. The doctor said she found no evidence of LIVE lice on my daughter, and no evidence whatsoever on me.

What the fuck.

I have a long to-do list just for the next three days.

  • Finish laundry
  • Pay rent, gym, daycare, boyfriend
  • Scrub bathroom
  • Keep appointment with Debbie @ SMH @ 9:40am on Tuesday 
  • Keep appointment with Peggy @ Worksource @ 11am on Tuesday
  • Call Hopelink re: Christmas
  • Goodwill for clothes for job interview in Auburn
  • Go to job interview Wednesday @ 11am

I guess this is what it means to be an adult and a mother. The job hunt isn't going any better than usual either. The job I got in the beginning of the year didn't work out. They wanted me to work hours that are simply not conducive to being a single mother. I'm very sad about that. I really liked that job and I didn't want to quit but I had to. I have a job interview on Wednesday...even if I get it, the job is pretty far away (30ish miles, I think) and it's gonna be boring as fuck.

I don't care. I'll get another one after I finish a quarter or two of school.

I am gonna be getting more medications on Tuesday. Hopefully, they'll work. I really want to function properly. I want to be confident again.

Peace and happiness shouldn't be this hard to acquire. But they are.

And I don't know how long I'll be able to stay stable. I've been contemplating suicide. Surprisingly, despite my depression and overwhelming stress, I haven't been able to give up hope. 

Friday, March 11, 2011

The reason you shouldn't go for jailbait.

I am okay with age differences. I know that SOME teenagers are mature beyond their years. MOST of the time, however, that isn't the case. I personally believe that in MOST cases (I have to really point out that I know there are exceptions to the rule) you shouldn't date someone MUCH younger than you until they are where they need to be in life. A 23 year old dating a 30 year old? WAY different than a 16 year old dating a 23 year old. What the hell could they possibly have in common?

If you were or are in a relationship where you started dating your partner when you or they were in their mid teens, and you're still together or whatever, this is not aimed at you. This is aimed at the people who try to say age is just a number, but really...well they need to date someone more mature.

I am posting an edited version of a conversation I witnessed on facebook. My friend is a 22-23 year old guy who CUT HIMSELF when his jailbait girlfriend cheated on him and left him for a younger guy. He is way too immature and emotionally weak to be dating someone right now if he thinks cutting is an appropriate coping skill. Do I think he's a bad person? No. I think he has shit to deal with. Being with this girl will not solve his problems.

They're back together now, and what you are about to read begins with something the Jailbait Princess posted on his Wall. The immaturity level exhibited by Jailbait Princess and my Emo Friend is kind of lame. WARNING: VERY LONG.

Thursday, March 10, 2011


I'm sick.

This makes the third day of massive migraines, nausea, and weakness, not to mention sheer exhaustion. I don't know what's wrong with me. I couldn't go to my book club meeting, so now I have to wait til next month. Sucks hardcore. I'm behind on training for the 5k, and that is so, so important to me. I WILL go today. I have to.

I kind of got upset today because my boyfriend didn't offer to come over and get me soup or tea or hot chocolate. He knows I'm sick. But you know what, it's okay. Maybe this is what he was talking about when he said he can't handle being in a relationship. You know, this whole "be there when your partner is sick" thing is a lot of work. I know, because I'm ALWAYS there for him when he's sick.

Monday, March 7, 2011

The New Me

A lot of people start blogs as a New Year's Resolution to journal or hold themselves more accountable, you know, in the hope that having subscribers or readers will keep them writing. Sometimes, that isn't enough. I have a few subscribers, and I know a few people have my blog bookmarked. I don't write for them. I love, desire, appreciate their input though. I sincerely hope that if anything I have to say inspires you or reminds you of this one let me know. I'd love to hear your own stories as I tell my own.

I posted about my breakup, and how confused I was. And I still kind of am.

We kept talking after the breakup, over gmail chat or facebook. I kept a smiling face on, even though I was so utterly shredded inside. I even drunk dialed him, but I wasn't too drunk, because I was safe to drive later. I told him about how my ex boyfriends were trying to hook up with me as a rebound fuck because I was newly single, and my efforts to  fight them off. I told him about my plans to go to Emerald City Comicon (which I will talk about in a later post) and how my ex Jon that was going to take me wanted to get a hotel room with me. I told him that we'd have to get two beds, and he was none too excited. He then decided I should go to his place before the con. Yeah right.

A week after the breakup, I went to fetch some of my things from Chris's condo and we decided to go to dinner. At dinner, over buckets of rum (literally), I told him about my new efforts to be independent, inspired by his cruel manner while dumping me. I joined a book club, and a women's social group. I am training for a 5K. I'm doing really well, I told him. When we got back to his place, he sat next to me on the couch and started to cuddle with me. This threw me for a loop, because I had already told him how I was not going to be taken for granted, or assumed to be vulnerable. That's fucking bullshit.

What he said next totally surprised me.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Coming Soon

Dealing with my breakup really fucked with me. But I'm better now. New, lengthy posts coming soon.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

He Left Me.

I thought we were happy.

He says he'll never want to marry me, and I'm not good enough for him.

But...I thought we were happy. I felt safe.

I can't change his mind. I've really lost him. I don't...I don't know.

Monday, February 21, 2011


Thank you for all the comments I got in my (Not) A Strong Woman post. I am glad that there are other women like myself out there. Independent, but not bitchy about it.

On Sunday, my boyfriend and I celebrated our six month-iversary. I know, it's a little juvenile to celebrate month-iversaries after high school, but what can I say? I haven't had much luck in the romance department and I think half of a year is a very long time when you're first getting started. Working out the kinks and whatnot. You know, I realize how sad that is, but 6 months is the third longest relationship I've ever had. The father of my child and I were together for almost 2 years, a boyfriend I had when I was 16 lasted 8 months, and now my current boyfriend. Here's to hoping this turns into my number one longest relationship.

First, we slept in until almost 1pm. That was lovely. He usually doesn't sleep that late, so I was happy he was able to get some rest. Next was a fun filled sit in traffic on the southbound 5 into Seattle. What the hell is that about? It was Sunday.

Finally, we made it to The Cheesecake Factory (after looking in vain for free parking. Oh well!). Do people realize how horribly bad for you The Cheesecake Factory is? I probably consumed 1900 calories in one meal, and I only ate half of it. Jesus Christ.

Then we walked along the waterfront, and looked at the sunset. Cliche, I know, but you can bite me because I fucking love the water.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Not a Strong Woman

As we all know, Valentine's Day came and went a few days ago. The internet exploded with a lot anti-Valentine's Day rants, and it kind of pissed me off. On facebook, one friend of mine called me a spoiled, asinine woman because I appreciate Valentine's Day. Really?

What is up with all these "empowered" women talking shit on girls like me? What is inherently wrong with a little jealousy, a little cling? What's wrong with genuinely appreciating something shiny? I see a lot of people write in blogs or on message boards:

I would be so mad if my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife got me jewelry for Valentine's Day/my birthday/Christmahanukwanzaa. I want something practical like an oil change or a blender!

What the fuck? I firmly believe that you should be grateful for any gift received from your partner,  so why the fuck would you be mad? I can think of plenty of gifts I wouldn't mind receiving.

Am I really a vapid cow for appreciating the romance of jewelry? I don't think so. Do I expect jewelry every time? No. Do I expect expensive jewelry? No.

I am a gift giver. I gave my boyfriend an expensive gift for Valentine's Day. He got me a card and chocolates. I loved it, especially because I hate Twilight and he got me Twilight themed chocolates. Get it? I thought it was cute, anyway. Was I mad that he went the traditional route? No way! I wasn't even expecting THAT much!

I come across the same attitude when it comes to compliments. Strong women don't need compliments, huh? Really? I'm sick of getting looked at like I'm some needy bitch because I want my boyfriend to compliment me every day. Does he have to put me on a pedestal? Absolutely not. I want to be loved and respected, not worshiped. I don't see anything wrong, however, with "You look pretty today" or "That was a funny story."

Seriously, I get it all the time, "You're just like all the other girls. All you want is money."

 I like video games and the internet, and staying home and eating takeout. I'm very intelligent and I love to read. I'd rather go for a walk by the lake than go see a movie most of the time.

Just because I think jewelry is romantic and romance shouldn't die, doesn't mean I'm not a strong, independent, intelligent woman.


Love and shiny things are good. Being a judgmental prick? Bad.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Stop blaming yourself, PLEASE..

First of all, I'd like to say thank you to the comments I have received. I really am grateful for the support and the time you took to leave a comment. You are very appreciated.

I still feel a little bit down. My unemployment is my number one cause of stress right now. It's not just the money - the feeling of being part of a team, a productive member of society...that is the main reason I want a job, to be honest. The good news is, a company that I've interviewed for in the past, and only just missed out on a job despite being well-liked (they told me my experience and skills are impressive), is hiring customer service representatives again. Even if they don't hire me this time, it means they are growing, and that is a sign the economy is bouncing back and other places might be hiring as well. I'm trying to be positive, but it's very hard.

I am judged quite often by strangers when they find out I don't have a job. I was getting my nails done the other day, and when the woman working on me asked what I did for work, I had to tell her nothing, that I'm just looking for work. She practically sneered at me. What the fuck is that? The whole reason I was investing in getting my nails done was to look more presentable for a job interview. I'm fucking trying. The people who spam my formspring or email with insults often bring up my employment status. Why?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Breaking the cycle...heal yourself in seven days....

There are so many things going on right now. I don't know where to start. I guess I'll make a list, and elaborate on the ones that I feel like talking about. I feel like a cyclone. Help me.

  • I am petty. My best friend (and one-time lover, former sugar daddy) proposed to his girlfriend today. She is a horrible, nasty, disgusting woman who manipulates him with mind games, but because he is 38, he feels he has to settle since the woman he really loved (me) did not want him. They've only been together a very rocky 4 months. She's jealous of me, but I am not a threat. She wants him to take my car, which is in his name while I am unemployed, but that I have to pay for, away. His harpy soon-to-be-wife wants him to take it away so that he never has to talk to me ever again. If he takes my car, he will be transferring his older vehicle into my name, so I own it completely, owe nothing and he can move on with his life. I don't want him. He doesn't want me anymore. We're just best friends. I don't care about the car. If he trades vehicles with me, fine whatever. But I don't want to lose him in my life. Ever. I love him very deeply, if only in a platonic way.  If he goes through with kicking me out of his life, I will never recover from that deep of a betrayal.

  • ...I am petty. My best friend proposed to his girlfriend the day after Valentines Day, I watch Bridezillas and see these horrible women getting married...I want to get married. I'm kind and giving. Why doesn't anyone want to marry me? What's wrong with me? I am jealous and bitter.

  • I am not losing weight no matter what I do, and the disappointment is leading me back into my old habits. I'm an emotional eater, and a stress eater, and it's this vicious cycle that I can't break free from. 

  • I am unemployed, and I'm fucking trying. I'm trying. And I can't seem to get a break.

  • My ex boyfriend, and father of my child, keeps abusing me. He lives 1000 miles away, but he texts me and drunk dials me just to tell me to hurry up and die, that nobody loves me or cares about me, that I'm a bad mother. He plays games with me. He doesn't pay child support, but sometimes he dangles money in front of me to get me to beg for some help, and then he takes it away. Once in a blue moon, he actually deposits money in my account, so there's just enough hope to keep me begging for more. 

I want a new life. I want to be someone else

Monday, February 14, 2011

Obligatory Valentine's Day

I love Valentine's Day. I've only ever had a significant other on 1 (well, today makes 2) Valentine's Days ever and I've still always loved it. I've never called it Single's Awareness Day, and I've never attended an I Hate Love party. I love Valentine's Day. For those that say it's only a money-making, superficial holiday, I ask:
  • Do Christians only love Jesus on Christmas? (I'm an atheist, I can't really say.)
  • Do people only value your existence on your actual birthday? No? So why celebrate it?
  • Are veterans only appreciated on Memorial or Veteran's Days? No.
Of course if you're in a relationship, you should appreciate and celebrate your love on other days. Yes, it's a Hallmark holiday. But everyone should embrace it, in my opinion. It's a day to celebrate the cheesy and absurd aspects of love and romance. Single people can get in on the action by exploring what it is they want in a romantic relationship. There is nothing wrong with a day dedicated to us. In an earlier post, I mentioned that relationships aren't necessarily equal to the sum of its parts. I still maintain that.

Valentine's Day is a chance to celebrate what the relationship is, has been, and will become. Greater, better, more wonderful than the sum of its parts.

Happy Valentine's Day, Chris. I love you unconditionally. I hope that you are, and always will be, my Valentine.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

On Another Note

I am very frustrated with my job search. I know I don't have a college education and only a little college experience, but I have a lot of professional experience and I'm very competent. Seriously, put me through a week of training and I can do almost anything office or customer service related. I've worked in a call center, I've worked at a hotel. I love conflict resolution. I love working on a computer. I even love data entry. Who the hell loves data entry?

I really need a job. My self-esteem sinks every day, no matter what I do, because of my unemployment. Why is that? Mostly because I have no friends and my life is online. I don't leave the house at all most days, and I never have the money to do the things I need to do, like buy clothes that actually fit or even buy toilet paper. I wish I qualified for a job where I could work from home, but for some reason, nobody has any faith in me. It's their loss. I guarantee I am an asset to any company that hires me.

Is it really networking? Because I have no friends, and no contacts. Ever since I moved to Washington in August of '08, I have been unemployed. I have no professional, only personal, references because almost everywhere I've worked has gone out of business (not my fault!) and everywhere else that is still in business was so long ago,  they don't even remember me. I know. I've tried.

I guess I just have to keep pushing.


Ugh, I'm such an idiot. After three weeks of keeping to a 1200-1600 calorie range, the past three or four days have been awful! I may have gone up to 2000 calories on at least one of those days. I feel sluggish and unmotivated. And I haven't gone to the gym in like four or five days. What the what!?

My boyfriend had a bad day yesterday. His wallet and iPhone were stolen at the gym while he was playing basketball with a friend. Of course, food is comfort, so when he got home I took him to Denny's. I had Chicken Parmesan. What the fuck? That's a huge meal, with a megaton of carbs. Little to no nutritional value. God damn it. 

Today, my boyfriend was craving taco salad, so I looked up a healthy recipe on SparkRecipes to indulge him. We went to the store (after stopping by Burlington Coat Factory to buy him a new wallet) and I ended up indulging myself. I bought tortillas and tortilla chips (but really, the tortilla chips are for a chips and salsa snack, which in moderation is perfectly fine and healthy!). I tried to buy a 20 count box of Safeway chocolate chip cookies, but my boyfriend persuaded me to put them back. It was so hard! I literally felt as if my life was getting sapped out of me with every step closer to the shelf.

On a related note, SparkPeople is a godsend. I've been a member for a couple of years, and before that, I was a member of BabyFit, their site dedicated to expectant mothers. I purchased their book, The Spark, and it was fantastic. I know that these bad weeks I might have are okay, that I shouldn't give up, that I need to make healthy living a habit and giving up just allows the negative habits to persevere.

However, I have to bitch about something. Chris Downie, the creator of SparkPeople, is a mega douche. A lot of his book is about his life, as if he could possibly relate to me, the reader. I have nothing in common with him. Multiple times through the book, Downie is all like,

I may have had it easy in college, and be rich and healthy and have a house overlooking the ocean, but I'm just like you, you fat lower class loser. Really. I'm just like you. I had a hard time with shyness, so naturally I can relate to traumatic experiences like obesity and poverty.

Maybe I'm being harsh. No. Fuck that. I know most of the members of SparkPeople or readers of The Spark are probably middle class professionals, but I still feel like it was a little bit rich (hurr) of Downie to posture as if he could possibly relate to me. I was almost offended by it. This guy has no idea what it's like to be depressed, suicidal, to come from an abusive family, to have had an abusive partner. Instead, his idea of relating to our struggles is:

I used to be shy, and while I was naturally thin, I just wasn't healthy.

All I'm saying is I wish he hadn't riddled his book with the typical "inspirational speaker" bullshit and just gotten down to the meat of his message.

Spreading My Wings? HAHA.

I don't know if that title could get any more cliche, but I'll go with it. It's appropriate, at the very least. I joined 20sb in an effort to, I don't know, contribute to a community that might find something valuable in my writing, and also to find other people who I can, I don't know, relate to. Lately, my lack of a social life and friends has really been nagging at me, so I thought it was time to feel a little bit more like I belong somewhere.

I am working on editing the design of this blog. I don't think it's quite finished yet, it looks like a half assed Geocities page right now, and that's really not what I'm going for. Work in progress, right?

Friday, February 11, 2011

Cyber Bullying - Continued

I am the first to admit I get emotionally invested in people I meet online. When I'm debating something I feel strongly about, when people disagree with me. Sometimes I am downright rude or harsh. I'm only human. I don't, however, wish death on people for disagreeing.

I posted a thread on a message board discussing my opinion that Groupon's commercials were funny and shouldn't be criticized because Groupon does support the causes they parody in their commercials and it's ridiculous that people called for an apology from them. My point was, and I'm copying and pasting here:

I believe that if you can't laugh at something, then it wins. If you can't laugh at tragedy, disaster, misfortune...then horror wins, and I refuse to let that happen.

Finding humor in a shitty situation is not the same as accepting it, or agreeing with it, or contributing to it.

The response to this from the other person in the thread was this:

I hate stupid people. I hope your family members or loved ones are brutally murdered. So I can laugh at it. You insensitive prick.

What the hell is that? Hypocritical much? The only thing I could say to that particular post was this:

I've never wished death on anyone.

Who is insensitive? The one who finds light in the darkness, or the one who actively wishes tragedy to befall someone?

Cyber Bullying

I am often confused by the way people react to cyber bullying. Lately, it has gotten so much attention and so many new Facebook groups have popped up in an attempt to draw awareness and combat the growing trend. It's a little irritating. Cyber bullying is the easiest type of bullying to avoid or stop. You just have to disconnect.

Yes, coming from an internet addict, that's a little rich. However, I do not take cyber bullying seriously. On IMDb or other forums, once someone starts bullying me, I laugh. I am not mean, nor do I deserve to be picked on. Knowing this about myself helps me keep my head above water. I know it's hard in 2011 to delete annoying friends or bullies from your facebook, or to make your privacy settings more strict. I know you want to relate to people online as if they were your friends. Based on my experience, you shouldn't trust anyone online until you've known them for at least 6 months, and even then, you should be wary.

To the parents of cyber bullied children: This is why you should keep your children off the god damn internet. Why are 11 year olds making YouTube videos and friending strangers on Facebook? You are the one to blame for your children committing suicide because you are the one who was negligent in your parenting. First you let them have personal profiles on Facebook or YouTube or Twitter. Then, you never checked their emails or messages or texts. Then you didn't notice changes in their behavior that should have been tell tale signs of depression or suicidal thoughts. And finally, you neglected to figure out why they were depressed.

I know this may seem harsh, but I am not apologetic for it. I was suicidal for many years, and on the internet for many years. My parents did everything they could to get me treatment and disconnect me from the internet. Did they succeed? They did. At least, long enough for the danger to pass. Parents aren't failures when they try their best. I just don't think today's parents are trying hard enough.

I receive anonymous insults every single day over Formspring, and not so anonymous insults via private message on my forums. I don't care. I think it's hilarious. When it comes to cyber bullying, people need to step back, relax, and realize that these bullies are sad, lonely people who are obviously overcompensating for something they lack in their own lives. These are not the types of people you should care about. You shouldn't give a shit about their opinion of you, because obviously their opinions of themselves are not very high either.

And remember: Don't feed the trolls.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Getting Healthy

I'm not going to turn this into a fitness blog. This is my personal journal, about my life and the way internet addiction has made it what it is. Part of the consequences of being an internet addict, however, is the loss of physical fitness.

Now, I know that not all of us are fat, wheezing, e-pussy starved beasts. Some of the internet's greatest trolls are skinny jerks who can eat a large pizza and a 2 liter of Dew and not even get full. One thing I can say for certain though is that someone who spends as much time sedentary as I do cannot be healthy. They cannot.

Which is why I have starting dieting again. The birth of my child in late 2007 didn't do near as much damage to my body as sitting stooped in a very poorly designed desk chair for hours every day. I have had to come to terms with this in order to change it, but it hasn't been easy. I'm socially anxious, and getting out and to the gym has been quite an adventure for me.

I'm managing to do it though. I consume 1200-1300 calories on the days I don't work out, and 1500-1600 (1700 if I'm stressed) on the days I do work out. I work out 4-5 times a week, at least for half an hour, but I try to do more. My boyfriend is helping me learn how to circuit It's been about two weeks, and I already feel stronger and healthier due to the conversion of fat to muscle, and the added nutrients to my diet from NOT eating Taco Bell every day. My clothes are fitting better already, and I can see slimming in my face, even though I haven't seen a difference in pounds yet. I'm not a health expert, but I figure my body is in shock. I know my mind is still WHAT THE WHAT at my new schedule and return to a diurnal clock. I have gone from 2100 calories a day, burning only at my basal metabolic rate, to a drastic calorie deficit. I'm not starving myself by any means, but I'm using muscles now that I haven't used in literally years.

Why am I doing it?

I need to find ME. I've been fully addicted to the internet since I was 11, and I started playing Ultima Online. I fell into the arms of e-identity after being bullied mercilessly from 4th grade until my sophomore year of high school. Even after the bullying stopped, the internet and my nerdiness played a huge role in my social identity with my friends.

I never took my formative years seriously, and unfortunately, neither did my parents. I am emotionally and socially stunted. While I am very intelligent, I find it hard to relate to other human beings. Getting healthy will help me shed the pounds I've been hiding under for so many years, and get outside. Into the mountains to hike, kayaking on the ocean, and dancing under the stars.

I'm not here anymore. Raydran is somewhere out there, and I have to find her.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Oh dear god, no.

My computer monitor has, I believe, shit the bed. It is flickering on and off, and that scares me. What am I supposed to do without a computer monitor? Will I be once again sentenced to a life of facebook, hotmail, and wikipedia on my shitty ass Shadow phone? (Side note: T-Mobile sucks ballz, and the only reason to sign a contract with those greedy, overpriced dataphonemediocrecoveragemonkeys is if you really don't want to pay a deposit. Or you hate quality service.)

My brother is currently using my old, functioning computer monitor. I don't want to take it away from him. He cannot afford a new one, and he's using it to play WoW. Anyone who knows anything about anything knows that hardcore WoW players cannot stop playing WoW for an extended period of time, as they will be kicked out of their raiding guilds.

I don't want to be a douche, although by rights, it is my monitor and I could take it any day I choose.

Let's see how long I last before internet addiction overtakes familial bond.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Habits and Welfare

After I woke up yesterday evening, I fought the discomfort and exhaustion. I had to stay awake for just a little while longer. The little longer turned into all night and now I'm back where I was before: exhausted, but not able to sleep for fear of sleeping far longer than I should.

I have much to do today. My to do list:

  • Fill out the annual lease papers. If I don't turn them in this morning, I am pretty much homeless.
  • Pay my rent.
  • Fill my prescriptions from my hospital stay.
  • Buy socks for the gym. (Does anyone else have a hard time keeping track of socks? I wear each pair once and then they disappear. Fancy that.)
  • Go to the gym.
  • Finish cleaning up my house.
  • Get a few loads of laundry done. Including put away. That's the part I struggle with the most.

That's quite a lot for someone as sedentary as myself. But I want to be different. I want to change. I want to be someone who lives life, not someone who hides from it. Right? Is that so wrong? Unfortunately, I could wish until I turn blue and I still wouldn't have a life anyone would envy.

On the 7th I get to return to the office to look for a job. Two hours, every day. That includes travel time, so I might cheat a bit. Oh noes, traffic!  It's just to appease the welfare gods, that they not smite me with benefit withdrawal. I look for a job every day, it's not like I am happy to live off welfare. I don't see why I have to go to a stuffy office with employees that are grossly underqualified for the job. Or at least, they are not competent. My personal case worker at JobSearch uses an ergonomic keyboard and mouse, and she types at about 15 words a minute. And she's telling me the skills I need to have to get a job?

Get a clue, lady. I'm brilliant with computers. The only thing I lack is a piece of god damn paper saying that I listened to enough stuffy old people to be able to handle customer service. Which I think is a load of bullshit, because I fucking love customer service and conflict resolution. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me what I already know I am good at.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

What It's Like

I spent the weekend with my boyfriend. I was online there too, naturally.

Part of my addiction comes from the belief that I would be bored if I didn't spend time on the internet. That's a load of bullshit, honestly. I'm an internet addict, but I subscribe to blogs and facebook pages that are about living a disconnected life, offline, in the world. I know that there is fun and life to be had AFK but what do I really do about it?

I went to the hospital last night. I slept all day today, trying to regain my health. Instead, I feel fuzzy and weary, almost too tired to type this. My body aches and I just want to space out.

But I am here. Pushing through the pain and exhaustion, to play on the internet.

What's wrong with me?

I am full of self-loathing. Not so shameless anymore.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

My Relationships

Sometimes I wonder how I will feel about this time in my life, when I look back in twenty years. Will I regret the time I spent on the internet? Will I feel ashamed then, as I do not now? I can't say for certain. I think, however, there is a likelihood that I will regret the time I did not spend with my family and loved ones.

I have a boyfriend. I wonder sometimes how he feels about my addiction. Does he wish he had a partner that had a more outgoing personality? Does he think less of me because I get emotionally invested in message boards and messenger services? Does he resent me for all of this? Will he leave me for a more active woman? My mind never shuts up about it, and it changes the way I interact with him. I can honestly say, that being with him is the only time I feel any amount of shame for my interests. I feel like I am not enough of a woman for him, because of my love affair with the World Wide Web.

But my boyfriend isn't the only one.

I have a mother, and a brother, and a sister. I have a child as well. Am I neglectful family member? Certainly not. I read books and cuddle with my child, and I go out with my family members whenever I can. Nonetheless, while out and about I am checking my phone, updating my facebook or reading emails. Sometimes I'll check ESPN or CNN, all while sitting at the dinner table.

I know that this is incredibly rude, and I am a giant hypocrite. I know that if they were doing the same exact thing, I'd be offended. So why do I do it? Why do my hands twitch when I'm not clicking buttons, why does my mind wander when I'm not doing four things at once? What is my problem?

On my favorite TV show of all time, LOST, Jack says

"If we can't live together, we're gonna die alone."

The internet will not be holding my hand when I go to my peace. So who will be?

For The IMDb Soapbox:

Bullies, violent criminals, teenage runaways, drug addicts.

When I was a teenager, I had to go to what I will call a "behavioral unit." My parents’ messy divorce was the catalyst for my Bipolar, and I was a mess. My mom admitted me so I could get a sense of what was going on, and get on medications and learn coping skills for my anger and suicidal tendencies.

While I was there, I got to know teenagers just like me, and some completely different from me. At night, new kids would be brought in, completely high, and taken to solitary to sober up before they could join the rest of us.

Kids arrested for assault were also brought in, in addition to, or a substitution for, going to juvenile hall.

Everyone was always so tough. So cruel to people outside, and within, especially when they first got there. They pretended to be apathetic about their parents’ struggles, or that of their victims.

Every night, though, we had to go to "Relaxation." It was a dark room, with windows that opened up. We could see the fireworks from Disneyland through them. We would listen to mellow music. We could sit in there as long as we wanted, until we were ready for bed.

All of these bullies who acted so tough would cry in the dark, because nobody could see them, and there was no way to tell who it was that was crying.

I won't be too mean to anyone here, because I'm willing to bet that those of you with vicious socks, those of you who stalk posters just to insult them, or make them feel bad...

You're crying too. We just can't see it.

I didn't post this directly on the Soapbox, because I'd get a whole bunch of "LOL YOU WERE ADMITTED" or "tl;dr" from the trolls this post addresses, and I really didn't feel like giving them the pleasure.

Am I Really an Addict?

I've asked myself this many times. I suppose the first clue is: I'm beginning the first post of this blog at 1:20am. That can't be a good sign.

I've been exploring the internet for years. When I was very young, my father set up with a Kids account on Prodigy, and I would play games online for hours. When I was 11, I started playing the MMO Ultima Online, and I started interacting with other people from around the country, even around the globe. Thus began my love affair with online roleplaying, and I joined AOL and MSN RP chatrooms. I could be anybody I wanted online. I didn't even have to be human. It was thrilling to be someone else. I could pretend to be anywhere on the planet, and other people would feed my fantasy willingly and earnestly.

Eventually, I started going to message boards, including Beliefnet, and I started meeting skeevy people online. That was a very dark time for both myself and my parents, but I'll talk about that in a later post. I also began taking out my Bipolar disorder (as of yet undiagnosed, and untreated) on strangers online. Yes, I was a cyber bully.

Nowadays, I play on message boards and occasionally play World of Warcraft. I spend upwards of 12 hours a day online, due to my social anxiety and the horrible job market. I spend about 80% of that time multitasking between job hunting, message boards, Facebook, and Wikipedia. I have bitter rivalries and profound friendships with people I have met online, and I am eager to make more. It doesn't matter which one. Friends. Enemies. I can party with both.