Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Stop blaming yourself, PLEASE..

First of all, I'd like to say thank you to the comments I have received. I really am grateful for the support and the time you took to leave a comment. You are very appreciated.

I still feel a little bit down. My unemployment is my number one cause of stress right now. It's not just the money - the feeling of being part of a team, a productive member of society...that is the main reason I want a job, to be honest. The good news is, a company that I've interviewed for in the past, and only just missed out on a job despite being well-liked (they told me my experience and skills are impressive), is hiring customer service representatives again. Even if they don't hire me this time, it means they are growing, and that is a sign the economy is bouncing back and other places might be hiring as well. I'm trying to be positive, but it's very hard.

I am judged quite often by strangers when they find out I don't have a job. I was getting my nails done the other day, and when the woman working on me asked what I did for work, I had to tell her nothing, that I'm just looking for work. She practically sneered at me. What the fuck is that? The whole reason I was investing in getting my nails done was to look more presentable for a job interview. I'm fucking trying. The people who spam my formspring or email with insults often bring up my employment status. Why?

The feeling of being unproductive and useless is another motivation for losing weight. At least if I get healthy, I'll be less of a burden on my county by reducing my medical bills (that the county pays for) and being actually able to work. If I get healthy now, I can avoid, or at least postpone, going on disability in the future for medical problems that could be prevented by being fit and active. Isn't an active lifestyle supposed to help mental disorders as well, like bipolar and depression? There you go. Motivation.

I just feel so worthless right now. I don't feel like I'm being listened to. Not by my boyfriend, not by my case managers, not by my family. I feel like I could walk into the middle of the busiest intersection in Seattle and scream and nobody would notice. Well, to be fair, they'd probably just think I was another crazy homeless person. But my point still stands!

I feel like my skin can't contain me. My mind is out of control. I can't concentrate on anything. I can't even watch a movie without fast forwarding or pausing and doing something else. I get nauseous if I'm not doing at least 3 things at once. My mind is moving too fast, constantly. I don't know if I hear voices or if I just have an extraordinary amount of negative self-talk, but whenever I do something I am proud of in any small way, I hear it as loud as someone standing right next to me.

"You're not good enough."

"It doesn't matter if you lose weight. Even when you were thin, nobody could stand you."

"Your past is something you will never be able to move on from."

"Kill yourself. Your daughter would be better off. Why are you trying? Stop. STOP. STOP NOW. GIVE UP."

No comments:

Post a Comment