Wednesday, February 23, 2011

He Left Me.

I thought we were happy.

He says he'll never want to marry me, and I'm not good enough for him.

But...I thought we were happy. I felt safe.

I can't change his mind. I've really lost him. I don't...I don't know.

Monday, February 21, 2011


Thank you for all the comments I got in my (Not) A Strong Woman post. I am glad that there are other women like myself out there. Independent, but not bitchy about it.

On Sunday, my boyfriend and I celebrated our six month-iversary. I know, it's a little juvenile to celebrate month-iversaries after high school, but what can I say? I haven't had much luck in the romance department and I think half of a year is a very long time when you're first getting started. Working out the kinks and whatnot. You know, I realize how sad that is, but 6 months is the third longest relationship I've ever had. The father of my child and I were together for almost 2 years, a boyfriend I had when I was 16 lasted 8 months, and now my current boyfriend. Here's to hoping this turns into my number one longest relationship.

First, we slept in until almost 1pm. That was lovely. He usually doesn't sleep that late, so I was happy he was able to get some rest. Next was a fun filled sit in traffic on the southbound 5 into Seattle. What the hell is that about? It was Sunday.

Finally, we made it to The Cheesecake Factory (after looking in vain for free parking. Oh well!). Do people realize how horribly bad for you The Cheesecake Factory is? I probably consumed 1900 calories in one meal, and I only ate half of it. Jesus Christ.

Then we walked along the waterfront, and looked at the sunset. Cliche, I know, but you can bite me because I fucking love the water.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Not a Strong Woman

As we all know, Valentine's Day came and went a few days ago. The internet exploded with a lot anti-Valentine's Day rants, and it kind of pissed me off. On facebook, one friend of mine called me a spoiled, asinine woman because I appreciate Valentine's Day. Really?

What is up with all these "empowered" women talking shit on girls like me? What is inherently wrong with a little jealousy, a little cling? What's wrong with genuinely appreciating something shiny? I see a lot of people write in blogs or on message boards:

I would be so mad if my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife got me jewelry for Valentine's Day/my birthday/Christmahanukwanzaa. I want something practical like an oil change or a blender!

What the fuck? I firmly believe that you should be grateful for any gift received from your partner,  so why the fuck would you be mad? I can think of plenty of gifts I wouldn't mind receiving.

Am I really a vapid cow for appreciating the romance of jewelry? I don't think so. Do I expect jewelry every time? No. Do I expect expensive jewelry? No.

I am a gift giver. I gave my boyfriend an expensive gift for Valentine's Day. He got me a card and chocolates. I loved it, especially because I hate Twilight and he got me Twilight themed chocolates. Get it? I thought it was cute, anyway. Was I mad that he went the traditional route? No way! I wasn't even expecting THAT much!

I come across the same attitude when it comes to compliments. Strong women don't need compliments, huh? Really? I'm sick of getting looked at like I'm some needy bitch because I want my boyfriend to compliment me every day. Does he have to put me on a pedestal? Absolutely not. I want to be loved and respected, not worshiped. I don't see anything wrong, however, with "You look pretty today" or "That was a funny story."

Seriously, I get it all the time, "You're just like all the other girls. All you want is money."

 I like video games and the internet, and staying home and eating takeout. I'm very intelligent and I love to read. I'd rather go for a walk by the lake than go see a movie most of the time.

Just because I think jewelry is romantic and romance shouldn't die, doesn't mean I'm not a strong, independent, intelligent woman.


Love and shiny things are good. Being a judgmental prick? Bad.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Stop blaming yourself, PLEASE..

First of all, I'd like to say thank you to the comments I have received. I really am grateful for the support and the time you took to leave a comment. You are very appreciated.

I still feel a little bit down. My unemployment is my number one cause of stress right now. It's not just the money - the feeling of being part of a team, a productive member of society...that is the main reason I want a job, to be honest. The good news is, a company that I've interviewed for in the past, and only just missed out on a job despite being well-liked (they told me my experience and skills are impressive), is hiring customer service representatives again. Even if they don't hire me this time, it means they are growing, and that is a sign the economy is bouncing back and other places might be hiring as well. I'm trying to be positive, but it's very hard.

I am judged quite often by strangers when they find out I don't have a job. I was getting my nails done the other day, and when the woman working on me asked what I did for work, I had to tell her nothing, that I'm just looking for work. She practically sneered at me. What the fuck is that? The whole reason I was investing in getting my nails done was to look more presentable for a job interview. I'm fucking trying. The people who spam my formspring or email with insults often bring up my employment status. Why?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Breaking the cycle...heal yourself in seven days....

There are so many things going on right now. I don't know where to start. I guess I'll make a list, and elaborate on the ones that I feel like talking about. I feel like a cyclone. Help me.

  • I am petty. My best friend (and one-time lover, former sugar daddy) proposed to his girlfriend today. She is a horrible, nasty, disgusting woman who manipulates him with mind games, but because he is 38, he feels he has to settle since the woman he really loved (me) did not want him. They've only been together a very rocky 4 months. She's jealous of me, but I am not a threat. She wants him to take my car, which is in his name while I am unemployed, but that I have to pay for, away. His harpy soon-to-be-wife wants him to take it away so that he never has to talk to me ever again. If he takes my car, he will be transferring his older vehicle into my name, so I own it completely, owe nothing and he can move on with his life. I don't want him. He doesn't want me anymore. We're just best friends. I don't care about the car. If he trades vehicles with me, fine whatever. But I don't want to lose him in my life. Ever. I love him very deeply, if only in a platonic way.  If he goes through with kicking me out of his life, I will never recover from that deep of a betrayal.

  • ...I am petty. My best friend proposed to his girlfriend the day after Valentines Day, I watch Bridezillas and see these horrible women getting married...I want to get married. I'm kind and giving. Why doesn't anyone want to marry me? What's wrong with me? I am jealous and bitter.

  • I am not losing weight no matter what I do, and the disappointment is leading me back into my old habits. I'm an emotional eater, and a stress eater, and it's this vicious cycle that I can't break free from. 

  • I am unemployed, and I'm fucking trying. I'm trying. And I can't seem to get a break.

  • My ex boyfriend, and father of my child, keeps abusing me. He lives 1000 miles away, but he texts me and drunk dials me just to tell me to hurry up and die, that nobody loves me or cares about me, that I'm a bad mother. He plays games with me. He doesn't pay child support, but sometimes he dangles money in front of me to get me to beg for some help, and then he takes it away. Once in a blue moon, he actually deposits money in my account, so there's just enough hope to keep me begging for more. 

I want a new life. I want to be someone else

Monday, February 14, 2011

Obligatory Valentine's Day

I love Valentine's Day. I've only ever had a significant other on 1 (well, today makes 2) Valentine's Days ever and I've still always loved it. I've never called it Single's Awareness Day, and I've never attended an I Hate Love party. I love Valentine's Day. For those that say it's only a money-making, superficial holiday, I ask:
  • Do Christians only love Jesus on Christmas? (I'm an atheist, I can't really say.)
  • Do people only value your existence on your actual birthday? No? So why celebrate it?
  • Are veterans only appreciated on Memorial or Veteran's Days? No.
Of course if you're in a relationship, you should appreciate and celebrate your love on other days. Yes, it's a Hallmark holiday. But everyone should embrace it, in my opinion. It's a day to celebrate the cheesy and absurd aspects of love and romance. Single people can get in on the action by exploring what it is they want in a romantic relationship. There is nothing wrong with a day dedicated to us. In an earlier post, I mentioned that relationships aren't necessarily equal to the sum of its parts. I still maintain that.

Valentine's Day is a chance to celebrate what the relationship is, has been, and will become. Greater, better, more wonderful than the sum of its parts.

Happy Valentine's Day, Chris. I love you unconditionally. I hope that you are, and always will be, my Valentine.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

On Another Note

I am very frustrated with my job search. I know I don't have a college education and only a little college experience, but I have a lot of professional experience and I'm very competent. Seriously, put me through a week of training and I can do almost anything office or customer service related. I've worked in a call center, I've worked at a hotel. I love conflict resolution. I love working on a computer. I even love data entry. Who the hell loves data entry?

I really need a job. My self-esteem sinks every day, no matter what I do, because of my unemployment. Why is that? Mostly because I have no friends and my life is online. I don't leave the house at all most days, and I never have the money to do the things I need to do, like buy clothes that actually fit or even buy toilet paper. I wish I qualified for a job where I could work from home, but for some reason, nobody has any faith in me. It's their loss. I guarantee I am an asset to any company that hires me.

Is it really networking? Because I have no friends, and no contacts. Ever since I moved to Washington in August of '08, I have been unemployed. I have no professional, only personal, references because almost everywhere I've worked has gone out of business (not my fault!) and everywhere else that is still in business was so long ago,  they don't even remember me. I know. I've tried.

I guess I just have to keep pushing.


Ugh, I'm such an idiot. After three weeks of keeping to a 1200-1600 calorie range, the past three or four days have been awful! I may have gone up to 2000 calories on at least one of those days. I feel sluggish and unmotivated. And I haven't gone to the gym in like four or five days. What the what!?

My boyfriend had a bad day yesterday. His wallet and iPhone were stolen at the gym while he was playing basketball with a friend. Of course, food is comfort, so when he got home I took him to Denny's. I had Chicken Parmesan. What the fuck? That's a huge meal, with a megaton of carbs. Little to no nutritional value. God damn it. 

Today, my boyfriend was craving taco salad, so I looked up a healthy recipe on SparkRecipes to indulge him. We went to the store (after stopping by Burlington Coat Factory to buy him a new wallet) and I ended up indulging myself. I bought tortillas and tortilla chips (but really, the tortilla chips are for a chips and salsa snack, which in moderation is perfectly fine and healthy!). I tried to buy a 20 count box of Safeway chocolate chip cookies, but my boyfriend persuaded me to put them back. It was so hard! I literally felt as if my life was getting sapped out of me with every step closer to the shelf.

On a related note, SparkPeople is a godsend. I've been a member for a couple of years, and before that, I was a member of BabyFit, their site dedicated to expectant mothers. I purchased their book, The Spark, and it was fantastic. I know that these bad weeks I might have are okay, that I shouldn't give up, that I need to make healthy living a habit and giving up just allows the negative habits to persevere.

However, I have to bitch about something. Chris Downie, the creator of SparkPeople, is a mega douche. A lot of his book is about his life, as if he could possibly relate to me, the reader. I have nothing in common with him. Multiple times through the book, Downie is all like,

I may have had it easy in college, and be rich and healthy and have a house overlooking the ocean, but I'm just like you, you fat lower class loser. Really. I'm just like you. I had a hard time with shyness, so naturally I can relate to traumatic experiences like obesity and poverty.

Maybe I'm being harsh. No. Fuck that. I know most of the members of SparkPeople or readers of The Spark are probably middle class professionals, but I still feel like it was a little bit rich (hurr) of Downie to posture as if he could possibly relate to me. I was almost offended by it. This guy has no idea what it's like to be depressed, suicidal, to come from an abusive family, to have had an abusive partner. Instead, his idea of relating to our struggles is:

I used to be shy, and while I was naturally thin, I just wasn't healthy.

All I'm saying is I wish he hadn't riddled his book with the typical "inspirational speaker" bullshit and just gotten down to the meat of his message.

Spreading My Wings? HAHA.

I don't know if that title could get any more cliche, but I'll go with it. It's appropriate, at the very least. I joined 20sb in an effort to, I don't know, contribute to a community that might find something valuable in my writing, and also to find other people who I can, I don't know, relate to. Lately, my lack of a social life and friends has really been nagging at me, so I thought it was time to feel a little bit more like I belong somewhere.

I am working on editing the design of this blog. I don't think it's quite finished yet, it looks like a half assed Geocities page right now, and that's really not what I'm going for. Work in progress, right?

Friday, February 11, 2011

Cyber Bullying - Continued

I am the first to admit I get emotionally invested in people I meet online. When I'm debating something I feel strongly about, when people disagree with me. Sometimes I am downright rude or harsh. I'm only human. I don't, however, wish death on people for disagreeing.

I posted a thread on a message board discussing my opinion that Groupon's commercials were funny and shouldn't be criticized because Groupon does support the causes they parody in their commercials and it's ridiculous that people called for an apology from them. My point was, and I'm copying and pasting here:

I believe that if you can't laugh at something, then it wins. If you can't laugh at tragedy, disaster, misfortune...then horror wins, and I refuse to let that happen.

Finding humor in a shitty situation is not the same as accepting it, or agreeing with it, or contributing to it.

The response to this from the other person in the thread was this:

I hate stupid people. I hope your family members or loved ones are brutally murdered. So I can laugh at it. You insensitive prick.

What the hell is that? Hypocritical much? The only thing I could say to that particular post was this:

I've never wished death on anyone.

Who is insensitive? The one who finds light in the darkness, or the one who actively wishes tragedy to befall someone?

Cyber Bullying

I am often confused by the way people react to cyber bullying. Lately, it has gotten so much attention and so many new Facebook groups have popped up in an attempt to draw awareness and combat the growing trend. It's a little irritating. Cyber bullying is the easiest type of bullying to avoid or stop. You just have to disconnect.

Yes, coming from an internet addict, that's a little rich. However, I do not take cyber bullying seriously. On IMDb or other forums, once someone starts bullying me, I laugh. I am not mean, nor do I deserve to be picked on. Knowing this about myself helps me keep my head above water. I know it's hard in 2011 to delete annoying friends or bullies from your facebook, or to make your privacy settings more strict. I know you want to relate to people online as if they were your friends. Based on my experience, you shouldn't trust anyone online until you've known them for at least 6 months, and even then, you should be wary.

To the parents of cyber bullied children: This is why you should keep your children off the god damn internet. Why are 11 year olds making YouTube videos and friending strangers on Facebook? You are the one to blame for your children committing suicide because you are the one who was negligent in your parenting. First you let them have personal profiles on Facebook or YouTube or Twitter. Then, you never checked their emails or messages or texts. Then you didn't notice changes in their behavior that should have been tell tale signs of depression or suicidal thoughts. And finally, you neglected to figure out why they were depressed.

I know this may seem harsh, but I am not apologetic for it. I was suicidal for many years, and on the internet for many years. My parents did everything they could to get me treatment and disconnect me from the internet. Did they succeed? They did. At least, long enough for the danger to pass. Parents aren't failures when they try their best. I just don't think today's parents are trying hard enough.

I receive anonymous insults every single day over Formspring, and not so anonymous insults via private message on my forums. I don't care. I think it's hilarious. When it comes to cyber bullying, people need to step back, relax, and realize that these bullies are sad, lonely people who are obviously overcompensating for something they lack in their own lives. These are not the types of people you should care about. You shouldn't give a shit about their opinion of you, because obviously their opinions of themselves are not very high either.

And remember: Don't feed the trolls.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Getting Healthy

I'm not going to turn this into a fitness blog. This is my personal journal, about my life and the way internet addiction has made it what it is. Part of the consequences of being an internet addict, however, is the loss of physical fitness.

Now, I know that not all of us are fat, wheezing, e-pussy starved beasts. Some of the internet's greatest trolls are skinny jerks who can eat a large pizza and a 2 liter of Dew and not even get full. One thing I can say for certain though is that someone who spends as much time sedentary as I do cannot be healthy. They cannot.

Which is why I have starting dieting again. The birth of my child in late 2007 didn't do near as much damage to my body as sitting stooped in a very poorly designed desk chair for hours every day. I have had to come to terms with this in order to change it, but it hasn't been easy. I'm socially anxious, and getting out and to the gym has been quite an adventure for me.

I'm managing to do it though. I consume 1200-1300 calories on the days I don't work out, and 1500-1600 (1700 if I'm stressed) on the days I do work out. I work out 4-5 times a week, at least for half an hour, but I try to do more. My boyfriend is helping me learn how to circuit It's been about two weeks, and I already feel stronger and healthier due to the conversion of fat to muscle, and the added nutrients to my diet from NOT eating Taco Bell every day. My clothes are fitting better already, and I can see slimming in my face, even though I haven't seen a difference in pounds yet. I'm not a health expert, but I figure my body is in shock. I know my mind is still WHAT THE WHAT at my new schedule and return to a diurnal clock. I have gone from 2100 calories a day, burning only at my basal metabolic rate, to a drastic calorie deficit. I'm not starving myself by any means, but I'm using muscles now that I haven't used in literally years.

Why am I doing it?

I need to find ME. I've been fully addicted to the internet since I was 11, and I started playing Ultima Online. I fell into the arms of e-identity after being bullied mercilessly from 4th grade until my sophomore year of high school. Even after the bullying stopped, the internet and my nerdiness played a huge role in my social identity with my friends.

I never took my formative years seriously, and unfortunately, neither did my parents. I am emotionally and socially stunted. While I am very intelligent, I find it hard to relate to other human beings. Getting healthy will help me shed the pounds I've been hiding under for so many years, and get outside. Into the mountains to hike, kayaking on the ocean, and dancing under the stars.

I'm not here anymore. Raydran is somewhere out there, and I have to find her.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Oh dear god, no.

My computer monitor has, I believe, shit the bed. It is flickering on and off, and that scares me. What am I supposed to do without a computer monitor? Will I be once again sentenced to a life of facebook, hotmail, and wikipedia on my shitty ass Shadow phone? (Side note: T-Mobile sucks ballz, and the only reason to sign a contract with those greedy, overpriced dataphonemediocrecoveragemonkeys is if you really don't want to pay a deposit. Or you hate quality service.)

My brother is currently using my old, functioning computer monitor. I don't want to take it away from him. He cannot afford a new one, and he's using it to play WoW. Anyone who knows anything about anything knows that hardcore WoW players cannot stop playing WoW for an extended period of time, as they will be kicked out of their raiding guilds.

I don't want to be a douche, although by rights, it is my monitor and I could take it any day I choose.

Let's see how long I last before internet addiction overtakes familial bond.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Habits and Welfare

After I woke up yesterday evening, I fought the discomfort and exhaustion. I had to stay awake for just a little while longer. The little longer turned into all night and now I'm back where I was before: exhausted, but not able to sleep for fear of sleeping far longer than I should.

I have much to do today. My to do list:

  • Fill out the annual lease papers. If I don't turn them in this morning, I am pretty much homeless.
  • Pay my rent.
  • Fill my prescriptions from my hospital stay.
  • Buy socks for the gym. (Does anyone else have a hard time keeping track of socks? I wear each pair once and then they disappear. Fancy that.)
  • Go to the gym.
  • Finish cleaning up my house.
  • Get a few loads of laundry done. Including put away. That's the part I struggle with the most.

That's quite a lot for someone as sedentary as myself. But I want to be different. I want to change. I want to be someone who lives life, not someone who hides from it. Right? Is that so wrong? Unfortunately, I could wish until I turn blue and I still wouldn't have a life anyone would envy.

On the 7th I get to return to the office to look for a job. Two hours, every day. That includes travel time, so I might cheat a bit. Oh noes, traffic!  It's just to appease the welfare gods, that they not smite me with benefit withdrawal. I look for a job every day, it's not like I am happy to live off welfare. I don't see why I have to go to a stuffy office with employees that are grossly underqualified for the job. Or at least, they are not competent. My personal case worker at JobSearch uses an ergonomic keyboard and mouse, and she types at about 15 words a minute. And she's telling me the skills I need to have to get a job?

Get a clue, lady. I'm brilliant with computers. The only thing I lack is a piece of god damn paper saying that I listened to enough stuffy old people to be able to handle customer service. Which I think is a load of bullshit, because I fucking love customer service and conflict resolution. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me what I already know I am good at.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

What It's Like

I spent the weekend with my boyfriend. I was online there too, naturally.

Part of my addiction comes from the belief that I would be bored if I didn't spend time on the internet. That's a load of bullshit, honestly. I'm an internet addict, but I subscribe to blogs and facebook pages that are about living a disconnected life, offline, in the world. I know that there is fun and life to be had AFK but what do I really do about it?

I went to the hospital last night. I slept all day today, trying to regain my health. Instead, I feel fuzzy and weary, almost too tired to type this. My body aches and I just want to space out.

But I am here. Pushing through the pain and exhaustion, to play on the internet.

What's wrong with me?

I am full of self-loathing. Not so shameless anymore.