Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Getting Healthy

I'm not going to turn this into a fitness blog. This is my personal journal, about my life and the way internet addiction has made it what it is. Part of the consequences of being an internet addict, however, is the loss of physical fitness.

Now, I know that not all of us are fat, wheezing, e-pussy starved beasts. Some of the internet's greatest trolls are skinny jerks who can eat a large pizza and a 2 liter of Dew and not even get full. One thing I can say for certain though is that someone who spends as much time sedentary as I do cannot be healthy. They cannot.

Which is why I have starting dieting again. The birth of my child in late 2007 didn't do near as much damage to my body as sitting stooped in a very poorly designed desk chair for hours every day. I have had to come to terms with this in order to change it, but it hasn't been easy. I'm socially anxious, and getting out and to the gym has been quite an adventure for me.

I'm managing to do it though. I consume 1200-1300 calories on the days I don't work out, and 1500-1600 (1700 if I'm stressed) on the days I do work out. I work out 4-5 times a week, at least for half an hour, but I try to do more. My boyfriend is helping me learn how to circuit It's been about two weeks, and I already feel stronger and healthier due to the conversion of fat to muscle, and the added nutrients to my diet from NOT eating Taco Bell every day. My clothes are fitting better already, and I can see slimming in my face, even though I haven't seen a difference in pounds yet. I'm not a health expert, but I figure my body is in shock. I know my mind is still WHAT THE WHAT at my new schedule and return to a diurnal clock. I have gone from 2100 calories a day, burning only at my basal metabolic rate, to a drastic calorie deficit. I'm not starving myself by any means, but I'm using muscles now that I haven't used in literally years.

Why am I doing it?

I need to find ME. I've been fully addicted to the internet since I was 11, and I started playing Ultima Online. I fell into the arms of e-identity after being bullied mercilessly from 4th grade until my sophomore year of high school. Even after the bullying stopped, the internet and my nerdiness played a huge role in my social identity with my friends.

I never took my formative years seriously, and unfortunately, neither did my parents. I am emotionally and socially stunted. While I am very intelligent, I find it hard to relate to other human beings. Getting healthy will help me shed the pounds I've been hiding under for so many years, and get outside. Into the mountains to hike, kayaking on the ocean, and dancing under the stars.

I'm not here anymore. Raydran is somewhere out there, and I have to find her.

1 comment:

  1. You're doing this for all the right reasons, I'm so proud of you. Good luck, I am trying to get back to the body I feel comfortable in and the girl I want to find as well. Working out is hard, I get bored easily, but the results (I’m sleeping better, I can walk up stairs without huffing like a puss) are what keep me going.