Monday, October 31, 2011

Under the Gun

I don't want to be rich.
I don't need to be famous.
I don't want everything to be given to me.

I just wish there was a magic pill that took away my stress. I don't need some magic solution to all of my problems. I just wish I could handle shit better. There are so many things I have to do, and since I don't handle stress well, shit just compounds and the situation gets worse! For example: my daughter's daycare keeps getting lice infestations. This daycare also has a no-nit policy. So if there is even a stubborn piece of dandruff on my daughter's head at inspection, they'll send her home. Treating lice is EXPENSIVE! I've cleaned my house and all the linens about five trillion times, and so has my mother at her own home. I even took my child to the Urgent Care so we could both get inspected. The doctor said she found no evidence of LIVE lice on my daughter, and no evidence whatsoever on me.

What the fuck.

I have a long to-do list just for the next three days.

  • Finish laundry
  • Pay rent, gym, daycare, boyfriend
  • Scrub bathroom
  • Keep appointment with Debbie @ SMH @ 9:40am on Tuesday 
  • Keep appointment with Peggy @ Worksource @ 11am on Tuesday
  • Call Hopelink re: Christmas
  • Goodwill for clothes for job interview in Auburn
  • Go to job interview Wednesday @ 11am

I guess this is what it means to be an adult and a mother. The job hunt isn't going any better than usual either. The job I got in the beginning of the year didn't work out. They wanted me to work hours that are simply not conducive to being a single mother. I'm very sad about that. I really liked that job and I didn't want to quit but I had to. I have a job interview on Wednesday...even if I get it, the job is pretty far away (30ish miles, I think) and it's gonna be boring as fuck.

I don't care. I'll get another one after I finish a quarter or two of school.

I am gonna be getting more medications on Tuesday. Hopefully, they'll work. I really want to function properly. I want to be confident again.

Peace and happiness shouldn't be this hard to acquire. But they are.

And I don't know how long I'll be able to stay stable. I've been contemplating suicide. Surprisingly, despite my depression and overwhelming stress, I haven't been able to give up hope.