Sunday, April 22, 2012

Working Out - Next Phase

Okay. So usually, I am a little skeptical when I see a diet or workout touted as "the best." I think it's kind of rich for people to try to advertise their workout or diet as THE BEST because some things work for some people and some things don't.

I'm not star athlete. I'm dozens of pounds overweight, and I am battling a food addiction. I prefer to cozy up in bed with a good book, show, movie, or my laptop to physical exertion. But that's all going to change. There is an extra credit project for my P.E. class that has me going to Livestrong to track my food and activity level for three days. While tracking my food, I followed a link to something they are touting as The Best Fat Burning Workout You've Never Tried. I took a look at it.

I am very excited about trying this. I hate getting bored with my workouts, but I am too shy and introverted to really try anything else (I do want to try Zumba, but that's another story!). I'm stoked to begin doing this.

What's the worst that could happen?

I'm going crazy!

Embracing my motherhood is a big part of my religion. I want to excel at my natural task of rearing a child. My child. But due to my mental illness, it's really hard.  My mom usually takes my daughter a few nights a week to give me a break, but my mom is out of town this week and so I've had my daughter nonstop since Tuesday. It's killing me. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and I love being a mom, but the stress is giving me anxiety attacks and it's affecting my ability to do my homework. I don't know what to do. My mom won't be back in town til late Tuesday, so she'll be picking up my daughter from school on Wednesday. I have so much homework to do before then!

I wish I wasn't so severely ill. I'd be in a much better place in my life if I wasn't. 

Friday, April 20, 2012

My Patron Deities

A couple days ago, I completed a guided meditation with the focus of meeting your spirit guides. It was fantastic, but instead of meeting spirit guides, I encountered my patron deities. This was amazing, because while I had a name from the God, I didn't have a name for my patron Goddess. She had not revealed it to me yet. Since my breakup, I have been spending a lot of time studying my religion. I guess that's why they decides to reveal themselves to me in that sacred place.

 Cernunnos is my patron God.

And Andraste, or Andrasta, is my patron Goddess.

To be honest, this is the first time I've ever really seen my patron deities. I heard Cernunnos tell me his name before, but I never saw him the way I did that day. Even during my meditation, Andraste didn't even tell me her name, really. I just got a notion that it began with A and had an S in it. I am drawn to the Celtic pantheon, so I researched, and there she was. What was uncanny to me, in a sense that I have not grown used to this kind of closeness with the divine, is that there was also a creature there that looked at first like a wolf, but once I got closer to it, it was actually a thinner bear than I'm used to. I don't know what role that noble creature has to play. Imagine my surprise that wasn't quite surprise when I learned that Andarta, the fertility goddess that is suspected to be linked to Andraste, is associated with the bear.

This was immensely powerful experience. I cannot wait to further my study and deepen my relationship not just with my patron deities, but the divine within myself.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

My morning devotional.

I wrote a devotional. It's simple and cheesy, but I am rather proud of it.

Morning rises, the sun is here
I shall keep the Goddess near
And to guide my path today
The God of the Sun shall light my way
Hail, Lord and Lady, shining bright
Protect me until blessed night
May I today learn your name
As I light this sacred flame
I too must grow as all life must
In perfect love, and perfect trust
May I find the Divinity in me
To feel the Lord and Lady’s harmony.

So...I'm suddenly single.

My boyfriend broke up with me. It's a long story, but I was at fault and I did deserve it. I didn't cheat on him or anything, but I did hurt him. Badly. I'm going to try to win him back, however. I love him more than anything else in the world, except my daughter. I need him. I know that's pathetic, but I need him back. I love him too much. When things are good, they're amazing. He told me he was thinking about proposing. I have to at least try to get him back. I would do anything for him.


Friday, April 13, 2012

California Video Blog!

I left California when I was 18. I'm a completely different person now. I'm excited to really enjoy California the way it's meant to be enjoyed. A

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I'm Going to California!

Oh my god!

My best friend's father, Mark, is buying me a plane ticket to go back home to California, where I grew up! I'm going at the end of June!

I'm so excited! Yay!

He's the best male figure in my life. I just adore him, and he's been helping me since I was a teenager. He tutored me in math, and he watched Lost with me every week when my life started falling apart. He bought my plane ticket to California for my 21st birthday as well.

No, it's not a sexual or romantic relationship. He's like the father that I've always wanted. My own real dad abused me and abandoned me.

I'm so happy!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Remember when I posted about the conflicting information from my school? Well, I had a discussion with my P.E. teacher  and she helped me transfer to a Jogging/Cardio class that DOES allow me to use my own gym. It's not the class that my college advisor told me about, but it's still P.E. credit.

It's a lot of work though. I need to really focus these next few weeks. Hardcore studying.


Drama queens on the internet.

There is someone on a message board I go on that is absolutely ridiculous. This person changes personality constantly, always deleting their account and then starting over. She always has the same shtick when she comes back: She has been holding onto private messages that prove some secret about another poster, but that poster has done something "unforgivable" and she is going to reveal that secret. It's always a new poster, and it's always the same routing whenever she comes back with a new account.

I know, I know. She's just trolling, right? That's where it gets weird. She gets so defensive and starts accusing others of misusing the message board and having some kind of reprehensible flaw (she accused me of being a bad mother because I go on message boards). I can handle internet trolls. I find most of them entertaining. But  there is something that is off about this one. I think she's legitimately ill.

It's very unfortunate. I hope she gets help.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Conflicting information annoys me.

When I signed up for the PE class I need to get credit for my degree, I was told that I could get credit for working out at my own gym. Fast forward to the first day of class, and guess what? I got a big, fat


I really hate that. Like, for real. I still have time to drop the class for a refund, but that sucks, you know? The school gym is over crowded and has shitty equipment. I pay $30 a month for my gym membership, so that's why I took the course in the first place.

I wish institutions would get their shit together and give me the same information all over the board.  I have this problem with DSHS too. That's Department of Social and Health Services. One social worker will tell me one thing, while the call center will tell me another, and I'd get yet another story from a different social worker. It's ridiculous. Why is it that the two arguably most important institutions in my life have to be so disorganized?

I can't stand it.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Hello, friends. Long time no see!

Wow! It's been a while since I've posted. Things got kind of crazy toward the middle of the school quarter, so I had prioritize my hobbies and things like that.

I've quit my job. I wasn't going to make it through finals if I continued working a job that stressed me out and was pretty much emotionally killing me. I plan to live off of financial aid for the foreseeable future. I did interview for a job that I would LOVE to get, but they haven't got back to me. Oh well. They said I'd hear back this week, and it's only Tuesday, so I won't give up quite yet.

I'm taking 4 classes this quarter. I'm taking the final two credits of Math 80, Accounting 101, Interpersonal Communication, and PE. I'll need to take PE 100 and PE 102 at 2 credits each in order to fulfill my Health requirement for my degree, but that's fine. Free gym! And the instructor is a personal trainer, who will help me for free (well, unless you consider the price of tuition). I'm rather excited about this quarter.

My boyfriend and I are still together. We've had a couple of hiccups lately, but I love him and I want to make it work. I love his family so much, and I love his hobbies and his sense of humor. He's been really supportive lately too. He's made me so happy.

He's even going to babysit my daughter this Saturday while I have class. He's never watched her for me before. I'm really excited that he's willing to take that next step in our relationship.

In all, things are alright. I have a lot of work to do the next few months, but I'm sure everything will work out. It always does.

The universe is my mother, and it always takes care of me.