Saturday, January 29, 2011

My Relationships

Sometimes I wonder how I will feel about this time in my life, when I look back in twenty years. Will I regret the time I spent on the internet? Will I feel ashamed then, as I do not now? I can't say for certain. I think, however, there is a likelihood that I will regret the time I did not spend with my family and loved ones.

I have a boyfriend. I wonder sometimes how he feels about my addiction. Does he wish he had a partner that had a more outgoing personality? Does he think less of me because I get emotionally invested in message boards and messenger services? Does he resent me for all of this? Will he leave me for a more active woman? My mind never shuts up about it, and it changes the way I interact with him. I can honestly say, that being with him is the only time I feel any amount of shame for my interests. I feel like I am not enough of a woman for him, because of my love affair with the World Wide Web.

But my boyfriend isn't the only one.

I have a mother, and a brother, and a sister. I have a child as well. Am I neglectful family member? Certainly not. I read books and cuddle with my child, and I go out with my family members whenever I can. Nonetheless, while out and about I am checking my phone, updating my facebook or reading emails. Sometimes I'll check ESPN or CNN, all while sitting at the dinner table.

I know that this is incredibly rude, and I am a giant hypocrite. I know that if they were doing the same exact thing, I'd be offended. So why do I do it? Why do my hands twitch when I'm not clicking buttons, why does my mind wander when I'm not doing four things at once? What is my problem?

On my favorite TV show of all time, LOST, Jack says

"If we can't live together, we're gonna die alone."

The internet will not be holding my hand when I go to my peace. So who will be?

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