Monday, March 7, 2011

The New Me

A lot of people start blogs as a New Year's Resolution to journal or hold themselves more accountable, you know, in the hope that having subscribers or readers will keep them writing. Sometimes, that isn't enough. I have a few subscribers, and I know a few people have my blog bookmarked. I don't write for them. I love, desire, appreciate their input though. I sincerely hope that if anything I have to say inspires you or reminds you of this one let me know. I'd love to hear your own stories as I tell my own.

I posted about my breakup, and how confused I was. And I still kind of am.

We kept talking after the breakup, over gmail chat or facebook. I kept a smiling face on, even though I was so utterly shredded inside. I even drunk dialed him, but I wasn't too drunk, because I was safe to drive later. I told him about how my ex boyfriends were trying to hook up with me as a rebound fuck because I was newly single, and my efforts to  fight them off. I told him about my plans to go to Emerald City Comicon (which I will talk about in a later post) and how my ex Jon that was going to take me wanted to get a hotel room with me. I told him that we'd have to get two beds, and he was none too excited. He then decided I should go to his place before the con. Yeah right.

A week after the breakup, I went to fetch some of my things from Chris's condo and we decided to go to dinner. At dinner, over buckets of rum (literally), I told him about my new efforts to be independent, inspired by his cruel manner while dumping me. I joined a book club, and a women's social group. I am training for a 5K. I'm doing really well, I told him. When we got back to his place, he sat next to me on the couch and started to cuddle with me. This threw me for a loop, because I had already told him how I was not going to be taken for granted, or assumed to be vulnerable. That's fucking bullshit.

What he said next totally surprised me.

He asked me if we could date. He told me how proud he was of me, and how amazing I am. He said he doesn't have the personal resources to have a full relationship, but he wants to date me, and only me. He means it too, because his friends and family still call me his girlfriend and he doesn't correct them. I think he just needs his space and to not be paying for dinner all the time.

What could I say? I agreed.

A lot of people don't think that was wise. To them I say, why the fuck not? I'm in love with the man, and he has treated me a lot better since then. Thanks to him, I discovered how much I could do by myself, and that I don't need him. I am much healthier because of the way he broke my heart. I can use this strength to get what I want from him and this time, if he doesn't deliver...I will be the one to walk away.

I'm an amazing person. I can do anything I want to do. I know this now. I loved myself before, but I really didn't know how bright I could really shine.


  1. I don't believe in second chances, especially for someone that said he would never want to marry you and told you that you weren't good enough for him. Someone who believes that enough to say it isn't going to change their mind and then, even if they do, can you live with the fact that he, at one point and time, didn't think you were good enough for him?

    That's just my opinion.

  2. I don't think that what you've done is necessarily unwise, but I think it may be too soon to make that decision (for him and for you). After a breakup of the kind you had (one where you were in love) I think both people need more time to figure out why it happened and if it really was for the best. It took me 12 hours after my last boyfriend and I had broken up to figure out that I needed to make huge life changes and that I wasn't as happy as I pretended to be... but I still would have taken him back for about eight or nine months after, even though I knew it was wrong. That was almost a year ago and I sometimes still find myself thinking how nice it would be to be with him again (even though I am seeing someone else now). I can never date him again; I should never date him again. The break up was hard, in fact it was the hardest thing I'd ever done, but it was the right thing.