Sunday, February 13, 2011

Spreading My Wings? HAHA.

I don't know if that title could get any more cliche, but I'll go with it. It's appropriate, at the very least. I joined 20sb in an effort to, I don't know, contribute to a community that might find something valuable in my writing, and also to find other people who I can, I don't know, relate to. Lately, my lack of a social life and friends has really been nagging at me, so I thought it was time to feel a little bit more like I belong somewhere.

I am working on editing the design of this blog. I don't think it's quite finished yet, it looks like a half assed Geocities page right now, and that's really not what I'm going for. Work in progress, right?

I don't really know what's going on with my boyfriend. I love him, and he loves me, but...I don't know why, but relationships aren't equal to the sum of their parts. Two great people in love with each other does not always equal success. That doesn't compute in my brain, because I believe that if you're a good person and you love someone, and they love you, that it's something worth fighting for. Right? And I'm fighting, and I'm fighting, and I'm trying so fucking hard and it's an uphill battle, and it doesn't matter how close I think I am from the tipping point, the summit of this romantic Everest. There's always another obstacle, another few hundred more feet to climb.

I know relationships take work, but is it so wrong to want the things that I said I expected out of a relationship when I first started dating this guy? He's so sweet and amazing and independent. I really look up to him. My one and only gripe - everything else seems to stem from this one root problem - is that I don't think he's happy unless the relationship is easy. Here I am, ready to spend the rest of my life with him, for better or for worse, and I fear he only loves me when I'm 100%.

Maybe I'm wrong. He'll probably see this. Part of me hopes he does. I love him unconditionally, and I will keep fighting because I know this is worth fighting for.


  1. Hey I'm a member of 20sb too!

    If he's the right one it'll work out, I'm sure. Not that I'm qualified to know or anything. I'm just a lover of happy endings :)

    Liking the honesty of your blog, reminds me of me lol.

    Good luck and I'll keep reading.




  2. Is that a website?

    You told me that you have established many relationships online, both good and bad. I assumed you still have these relationships that you established online. So, here you are with these online relationships that continue today, yet you have this nagging feeling that you're lacking socially. Makes me wonder, is the internet the best place for you right now? Maybe it's not good enough. I mean, you have friends now and yet you still feel socially unsatisfied. It also makes me wonder, are you trying to live up to some expectation of you needing to have friends? You have good social relations with people online and a boyfriend, why do you need people in person?

  3. I don't really have most of my online relationships. Maybe...two of them I still talk to regularly. I don't really have many friends at all, off or online. And I really want friends. Not just because I know I should have friends, I just want a social life, and that, you know, bond.