Friday, January 27, 2012

I want to start writing again.

Taking an English course on writing analytically has really made me want to explore my writing again. I just don't have anything to say. I know, I mean, I have this blog, but it's not necessarily something that could get published. I feel like perhaps I do have something to say, but it's locked up inside and it can't get out. I've tried a multitude of exercises to try and get it all out, but nothing has worked. Sigh.

School is driving me crazy. Work is driving me crazy. I'm really feeling the pressure.

I sent up a profile on Witchvox. It is nowhere near as populated as it used to be 6 or 7 years ago, in my opinion, but I figured it couldn't hurt to try. I'd love to find a coven, or at least another Witch to start my own with.

I just feel very blah lately. I need a little more passion and a little more energy. I get plenty of sleep and activity, so I'm not sure what else I can do to get an energy boost.

Any suggestions?

Friday, January 20, 2012

I need more female friends.

I'll post more about this when it isn't almost 5am on a Friday, but if you're a woman with something to say, email me. I would love to hear from you.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


My boyfriend and I had a fight the other day. I posted a senseless, rude comment on facebook about how everyone around me is getting married and I don't have someone who "loves me that much." It caused problems. All of his friends commented at me, telling me basically that my post was dumb and I don't understand what marriage is. It was dumb, I agree with that. But what kind of friend would really second guess me and see it as anything other than what it was: a self-deprecating, mocking post making fun of myself. Yeah, I've been pressuring my boyfriend a lot lately about a ring, but I don't really expect one. I don't think I'm ready for marriage. I had a child early, and I've grown up a lot, but I don't think I'm ready for marriage at all. I'm just beginning college, and I have a lot to figure out first.

The only thing I am sure of is my love for my boyfriend. I'm glad this didn't end in total disaster, just utter humiliation on my part. But that's the price I have to pay. Still, I'm a little upset that so many people thought I was really bitching about not being married yet. How little they must think of me.

My boyfriend also stated that a friend of his thinks I am delusional and that I think marriage would solve our relationship problems. Excuse me, but how stupid do you think I am? That's like a woman intentionally getting pregnant to keep a man with her. It's childish and an all around bad decision. Marriage is a challenging, but rewarding thing that you don't just rush into. My mom rushed into marriage with my father, before she attended any college, and to this day she is bitter and regretful and I do not want that for myself. I love my mother, but my biggest fear is being her age and living with the heavy burden of self-loathing that she carries every single day.

I do want to get married. I do, with all of my heart. And if I could guarantee that I would be able to marry my boyfriend, I'd love to. But not at this moment. I am in no hurry.

I wish people would get that. I think what hurt me the most about this whole thing, other than the hurt I caused my boyfriend, was that none of the people who talked to him about how stupid my post was came and talked to me. They commented at me, but nobody took me aside, or sent me a private message, to ask me what I meant. I'm a silly person, and my sense of humor is very self-deprecating. I wish I had a circle of friends that understood me.

It was a stupid thing to post, and now I feel more alone than ever.

Thank the Goddess that my boyfriend listens to me. I love him so very much.

Friday, January 13, 2012


I feel like I did a lot today, but I didn't really. All I did was:

  • Stopped by work and they told me I didn't have to work today. Which sucks a little because my paycheck was short so now next paycheck is gonna be short, but I can make it work.
  • Deposited my paycheck and opened a savings account for my new car with $100 deposit.
  • Got a haircut.
  • Bought shoes.
  • Bought earrings and a ring.
  • Bought sunglasses.
  • Bought an eco friendly mug for my coffee.
  • Went to the beach and conducted a small ritual while I grounded my energy.
I feel so good after grounding on the beach. I know it's fine to do it indoors, even on a second story, but I really felt connected to the earth today. I really felt ecstasy as I called upon the Goddess to guide me. And after grounding, I felt so energized, but in a good way, not because I kept too much energy inside of me. Tonight I have a candle party with one of my boyfriend's coworkers. I don't have much money, but I might buy one or two things. It's only polite.

I am bisexual.

Many people do not know this about me. My long line of relationships with men demonstrate an undeniable attraction to men, and since I have not dated a woman (offline, I mean), nobody assumes. Which is a good thing.

I love my boyfriend. I want to marry him. But as I grow confident and embrace my femininity, I long for female companionship. Maybe I just need to make more friends. But that is so hard for me to do. I just would love to be surrounded by feminine energy, not only emanating from myself and the Goddess, but from other likeminded individuals.

I don't want a girlfriend, because I am monogamous. But I do want to be around other women.

I wish I knew how to do that.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I need a new car, and other thoughts.

Ever since my car accident on December 4th, I have been taking the bus everywhere. My income does not really allow for a big purchase, and my credit is rather shot after I fled domestic violence from my child's father. That said, I have fallen in love with taking the bus, and if I had my way, I'd use my car only to drive to my daughter's school, my mom's house, my boyfriend's house, and the store.

But first, I really have to get a car. I work in one city, live in another, my mom (who takes care of my daughter a lot) lives in yet another, and my boyfriend lives in a completely different county!

I'm also being more eco friendly. I bought organic food tonight and organic, locally produced house cleaners. I didn't go to the store just to look for organic things, but I did need a few staples and I thought it was worth the extra few dollars to buy local organic. What do you think? I'm not very knowledgeable about the differences between organic and earth friendly things, and the other stuff, but I figure at the very, very least, cleaning up my carbon footprint even infinitesimally will make me feel good.

I am enjoying my job more and more every day. I have more responsibility now, and I like being so busy. School is very hard though. I didn't know it would be this much of a struggle for me. I'm so intelligent. I know, I know, it sounds like I'm bragging but I really am. I used to be considered MENSA material, but now...

After years of lethargy, mental illness, and chaos, I don't think I'm playing my A-game. And that sucks. It really sucks.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Pagan Discussion Group

I joined a pagan discussion group this evening. It was wonderful. I am new to the group, but I felt very comfortable and safe there. We discussed pendulums this evening. I found one at the shop that was a little pricey, but it really spoke to me.

During the discussion, I borrowed someone's pendulum from her collection, and at the end of the session, she told me to keep it. I assume it's because it also spoke to me.

The chain is around eight inches long.

I'm in love with it. I promised it that I would love it and cherish it and take care of it. And I asked it to please be my guide.

I spoke with other pagans at this event and they told me to ask my spirit guides about my phobia of orca. Orca are beautiful animals, but for some reason, seeing them in the wild or even on the television will make me quack with fear, and most of the time I sob uncontrollably.

While at the shop, which is called The Venus Moon, I also purchased a beautiful silver ring. I knew there was something I was supposed to see, so while some of the other people went for a smoke break, I browsed the shop and I was drawn to the jewelry case. This caught my attention. I was not surprised that it was a perfect fit.

I also bought some incense and next Saturday I plan to buy a few ritual candles and candle holders. I'm very excited for this. I've finally made contact with local fellow pagans!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

I'm struggling a little bit.

Today was my first day of class. After standing in line for an hour and a half in the student bookstore, I finally set off to find my first classroom. English went well. I am excited for that class. Math, however, I am not looking forward to. I really dislike math, as I am no good at it, and so I just want to get my math requirements over with.

Intro to Law will be fun. Challenging, but fun.

All I could think of was how nice it would be to quit my job and just be a student. I can't do that. I know, many single mothers have to do work and go to school, but I am really worried about how tired I'm going to be.

I need to detox a little. Get as much stress out of my life, build some routine, so that I may persevere.

I need some help.

I feel as if I'm panicking. Don't get me wrong. I'm still incredibly optimistic. I just am recognizing my weaknesses right now, before they become an issue. This kind of proactiveness is new to me.

My world is strange.

Monday, January 2, 2012

This is it, you guys.

Tomorrow is January 3rd. I begin my long, wonderful quest of college. I'm a little nervous about going back to school. I know that this is because I've never been in a mindset where I genuinely believed I would succeed. Now, that I'm  healthy, I actually have faith in myself, and that is so new. It's very uncomfortable, believe it or not.

I'm also nervous because I hate getting my hopes up and letting down my guard only to be disappointed in myself again. I am afraid I'm going to let myself down. I know I should work on that, but it's a very deep-rooted fear.

I would like to request a little something from my readers. Please send me positive energy that I might be able to thrive as an employed, full time student, and single mother. I really want to do this, you guys. I really, truly do. Thank you so very much, from the bottom of my heart.