Not Goodbye.

I couldn't sleep, so I set about getting some housecleaning done. I'm getting some new hand-me-down furniture from my mother in the next two weeks, so I figured I should tidy up the place. My upstairs looks amazing, thanks to IKEA. I will post pictures in a future post, I promise, but let me just say this: There are rainbows involved.

While I was cleaning up my desk area, I found a letter I wrote to my boyfriend ten months ago, but I didn't give it to him.  I'm glad it never reached him.

Chris,

I love you.

For the first time in my life I know what I want, and that's you. But that commercial is right.  Valentine's Day is an opportunity to celebrate "us," to say that I love "us."

Lately...I don't. I love you, and you have helped me love myself too. I wish that we were greater than the sum of our parts, but we're not. 

I am a jealous, insecure person. I try to hide it behind the bigger, better parts of me - the loving, eager, dedicated, vivacious Heather.

You are amazing. Everything I've ever wanted. Smart, funny, handsome, and independent. You can be so sweet, so romantic.

I need you. I need you to love me. I need the romance. Sweet text messages, or supportive Facebook comments. Showing up randomly with flowers or waking up to a romantic email. I don't think you can give me those things.

Well, I think you can because you used to. I don't think I am the one for you. I don't think your heart beats faster when you see me, I don't think the thought of losing me breaks your heart. I don't think you care whether or not you hurt me, only if there are consequences for hurting me. 

You won't chase me after you read this. Even if I told you you could change my mind. You know I'm right. You aren't in love with me. In your own words, you love me because I entertain you.

I love you, and I want to be with you. I want to marry you and have a life with you. My life began when I met you. 

Nobody has ever changed me so much for the better. I am so grateful to you. I hope one day you are happy with your life, and you find a partner who is good enough, and strong enough, for you.

As for me...I deserve to be loved completely. When I'm sad, when I'm fat. When I'm lazy, when I can't be calmed down. I'm trying to be happy - with my life, and myself. I need to be with someone who loves me and needs me as much as I love and need them.

It breaks my heart that you don't. I would have married you tomorrow had you wanted. My life is yours, and it always has been.

I'll miss you. Be happy.

You are loved.

                                                       -Heather Baby