Holy bejeezus, I'm tired!

Working and going to school full time as well as juggling a social life and motherhood as left me exhausted. I don't have time for anything anymore. I can't even read for pleasure. Every spare moment is taken up by schoolwork.

Work isn't as fabulous as it used to be. I have a lot more responsibility now, which is good because I'm always busy, but as I get used to having a job, I find myself more and more determined to succeed in school so that someday I might have a job I love. Today, my favorite coworker and my bosses got into a very loud fight. My coworker had a point. He said that one of my bosses talks to all the garage staff like they are children. He does. He even talks to me as if I'm a child, and to be honest it pisses me off as well. My boss is only a year older than my boyfriend. He's just hella condescending and it's kind of hard to deal with. I've only had to put up with it for 2 months, so as the newbie, I understand being put in my place.

I still think he needs to respect his colleagues a little more.

Anyway, the argument was loud and the energy in the room was just very dark. I didn't like it at all. I'm far too sensitive to be surrounded by that.

My mom is getting on my nerves again. I'm doing my utmost to be positive and happy and she's so mean. She thinks she has the right to talk to me in the most disrespectful way you can imagine all because she has to deal with my mental illness and not being fully independent (I don't live with her). No. Nothing gives anybody the right to talk to anyone the way she talks to me.

It's really hard to walk away when she gets like that.

Alas, my life.

What A Day!

I had a long day. I woke up around 8:30am, and headed to job club at Worksource. Job club is this kinda neat thing where all the people on TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families) get together once a week for a workshop or just to discuss the obstacles in finding a job or to network, etc. It's kind of cool to commiserate with a bunch of people who know what you're going through. At least, in that aspect of your life.

At 11am, I had an appointment with my caseworker at my mental health clinic. That went really well. She seemed really supportive and nice. That was new. I usually think she's a sociopathic bitch, but that's not really fair of me, is it?

I came home after that to wait for a Very Important Phone Call.

My brother, after almost two years of no contact, was finally going to be released from the No Contact Order issued after a domestic violence dispute we had. I missed him so much. I made phone calls and looked for work while I waited. Finally, at 4pm, I got it. It was all over. I finally could see my brother again.

I saw him tonight, and it was all teasing, affection, and humor. Even a little adventure! Oh man.

My sister is coming for a visit in a couple weeks.

I'll have my family again.

Under the Gun

I don't want to be rich.
I don't need to be famous.
I don't want everything to be given to me.

I just wish there was a magic pill that took away my stress. I don't need some magic solution to all of my problems. I just wish I could handle shit better. There are so many things I have to do, and since I don't handle stress well, shit just compounds and the situation gets worse! For example: my daughter's daycare keeps getting lice infestations. This daycare also has a no-nit policy. So if there is even a stubborn piece of dandruff on my daughter's head at inspection, they'll send her home. Treating lice is EXPENSIVE! I've cleaned my house and all the linens about five trillion times, and so has my mother at her own home. I even took my child to the Urgent Care so we could both get inspected. The doctor said she found no evidence of LIVE lice on my daughter, and no evidence whatsoever on me.

What the fuck.

I have a long to-do list just for the next three days.

• Finish laundry
• Pay rent, gym, daycare, boyfriend
• Scrub bathroom
• Keep appointment with Debbie @ SMH @ 9:40am on Tuesday 
• Keep appointment with Peggy @ Worksource @ 11am on Tuesday
• Call Hopelink re: Christmas
• Goodwill for clothes for job interview in Auburn
• Go to job interview Wednesday @ 11am

I guess this is what it means to be an adult and a mother. The job hunt isn't going any better than usual either. The job I got in the beginning of the year didn't work out. They wanted me to work hours that are simply not conducive to being a single mother. I'm very sad about that. I really liked that job and I didn't want to quit but I had to. I have a job interview on Wednesday...even if I get it, the job is pretty far away (30ish miles, I think) and it's gonna be boring as fuck.

I don't care. I'll get another one after I finish a quarter or two of school.

I am gonna be getting more medications on Tuesday. Hopefully, they'll work. I really want to function properly. I want to be confident again.

Peace and happiness shouldn't be this hard to acquire. But they are.

And I don't know how long I'll be able to stay stable. I've been contemplating suicide. Surprisingly, despite my depression and overwhelming stress, I haven't been able to give up hope.