How far I've come.

I found a poem I wrote on October 1st

I feel stuck
Everything slipping away
Too fast, so confused
Even still
I am progressing more
Staying still
Moving on
What will it take?

Peace.

In just a few short months, look at how far I've come.

Not Goodbye.

I couldn't sleep, so I set about getting some housecleaning done. I'm getting some new hand-me-down furniture from my mother in the next two weeks, so I figured I should tidy up the place. My upstairs looks amazing, thanks to IKEA. I will post pictures in a future post, I promise, but let me just say this: There are rainbows involved.

While I was cleaning up my desk area, I found a letter I wrote to my boyfriend ten months ago, but I didn't give it to him.  I'm glad it never reached him.

Chris,

I love you.

For the first time in my life I know what I want, and that's you. But that commercial is right.  Valentine's Day is an opportunity to celebrate "us," to say that I love "us."

Lately...I don't. I love you, and you have helped me love myself too. I wish that we were greater than the sum of our parts, but we're not. 

I am a jealous, insecure person. I try to hide it behind the bigger, better parts of me - the loving, eager, dedicated, vivacious Heather.

You are amazing. Everything I've ever wanted. Smart, funny, handsome, and independent. You can be so sweet, so romantic.

I need you. I need you to love me. I need the romance. Sweet text messages, or supportive Facebook comments. Showing up randomly with flowers or waking up to a romantic email. I don't think you can give me those things.

Well, I think you can because you used to. I don't think I am the one for you. I don't think your heart beats faster when you see me, I don't think the thought of losing me breaks your heart. I don't think you care whether or not you hurt me, only if there are consequences for hurting me. 

You won't chase me after you read this. Even if I told you you could change my mind. You know I'm right. You aren't in love with me. In your own words, you love me because I entertain you.

I love you, and I want to be with you. I want to marry you and have a life with you. My life began when I met you. 

Nobody has ever changed me so much for the better. I am so grateful to you. I hope one day you are happy with your life, and you find a partner who is good enough, and strong enough, for you.

As for me...I deserve to be loved completely. When I'm sad, when I'm fat. When I'm lazy, when I can't be calmed down. I'm trying to be happy - with my life, and myself. I need to be with someone who loves me and needs me as much as I love and need them.

It breaks my heart that you don't. I would have married you tomorrow had you wanted. My life is yours, and it always has been.

I'll miss you. Be happy.

You are loved.

                                                       -Heather Baby

 

Facing the Shadow on the Threshold

My entire life, I've struggled with chaos.

 

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in the 8th grade, it was during a time of great upset within my family. My parents were divorcing. I'd always been an angry child, bittersweet, because I'd shower you with kisses and then go for the juggular, only to shower you with kisses the next moment. As I grew older, I wanted to find peace. Comfort in my own skin, contentment in my life, satisfaction with the choices I made. I tried going to church, and reuniting with nature. I tried to lose myself in my books or video games. My quest for peace became so desperate, I tried to escape reality instead.

 

I am finding it now. I feel I have a somewhat tenuous grasp on my sense of contentment, but my passion burns inside of me, turning my self-loathing into a glowing, metaphysical battering ram of determination.

I've stated before that this year I awoke from what I call an emotional coma. I haven't felt my eyes so wide open since I was 8 years old. I know that with time, discipline, and dedication, the world is going to shine just that much brighter. 

I am so excited to see.

I need to rant.

My ex's parents are terrible people.

They never pay their bills, so they get new phone numbers every 3 months or so. Or they'll wait til the service gets shut off, and they'll take out a payday loan in order to pay it. Same with their DirecTV.

Same with the rent. They never pay it. So they get evicted and start again somewhere else. They live in the same town, so I don't know how they get away with it. It is B.F.E Wyoming though, so I guess that's why, but gosh. The father makes a lot of money, so there is no excuse.

I have some debt. Mostly medical bills from getting my gallbladder out (no insurance) and student loans, but I do NOT live like these people.

They're just...terrible. I know that's why my ex doesn't pay child support without throwing a fit, even though he makes over $3k a month. In Wyoming. That's more than enough to live off of when you're a single dude. He just wasn't raised to be accountable.

Argh. I can't stand knowing people like that exist and live in such excess and waste, when I'm a good person and I work hard and I strive to improve myself and the world and I can barely get by.

[/rant]

Growing Pains

Today, as I read The Spiral Dance, I felt a very peculiar sensation. It felt as if my mind were stretching out, as one would stretch a sore muscle after a workout. It wasn't unpleasant, but it wasn't very pleasant either. It was indescribable beyond saying it felt like my mind was expanding beyond the boundaries of comfort.

It made me feel a little bit afraid.

I understand that The Spiral Dance is a provocative book. I hesitate to call it controversial, although Starhawk's blatant feminism has been and still is the topic for many flame wars. Her history is questionable, but I find her passion unmatched. She was a film student, so I guess it's only natural that she would have a flair for the dramatic. Overdramatic, some might say.

My mind still feels a little, well, sore. I think I've been using it too much through trying to train myself via meditation and reading books and exploring my religion a little more. It's only going to get worse too, because school starts in a week or so.

Oh, sigh. I love being this strong.

New Year's Resolutions

With only a few days left in the year, I figure it's time to make some promises to myself for 2012.

2011 was the year of my awakening. I allowed myself to heal, to rest, to dream. The world is brighter and more beautiful than ever to me, and I want to be as vivid and vivacious as this new universe that I'm perceiving.

1. Be a better mother.
2. Thrive in college.
3. Work harder than ever.
4. Build my altar.
5. Eat as eco-friendly as possible.
6. Avoid the word "hate."

 I think these are all things I would do anyway, even if it wasn't the beginning of the new year, but I think the renewal of life that is coming will help beckon me towards a new life full of promise and joy.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll find that elusive inner peace that I've been searching for all of my life.

Meditation

I started meditating last night. It went rather well, I think. I only fell asleep once. I did it right before bed time, so I guess now I know to do it a little earlier in the future. As I am only just beginning to train my mind to perceive the world in a different manner, the meditation process I followed was like this:

• I set a timer for 15 minutes, and placed it under my blanket to muffle it.
• I laid down on my back with my hands resting on my abdomen.
• I counted each exhalation, without changing the speed or depth of my breaths, up to four.
• I repeated step 3 until the timer went off.
• I focused on the act of counting. When my mind would wander, I would firmly, but calmly bring it back to counting, as I would a child.
• I remembered to beware the act of acknowledging that I was successfully counting.

It was harder than it seems, but I feel great. I will continue this for two weeks, and then after that I'll go to 20 minutes. Two weeks at 20 minutes, and then I'll go up to 25 minutes for another two weeks. And then, I will reassess and maybe start a more visual meditation.

The Thousand Petaled Lotus, perhaps.

My Path

I grew up with an LDS mother and a Roman Catholic father. I was not oppressed religiously by any means. I'd go to church one week with my mother and the next with my paternal grandmother. I enjoyed church, but I never felt a personal connection with the Christian god.

In my teens, I explored Paganism and Wicca, but my mother cut that off with her paranoia and fear of Satan. Our lives were hard enough, she'd say, and inviting the devil inside would only make things worth. I've tried over the years to assimilate once again with the LDS church, but while I appreciate the buzz of being in a room with a bunch of people who are strong in their faith, I did not share their convictions.

Now that I am grown and run my own household, I am ready to embark upon the Wiccan path once again. I feel great about it. It resonates with me unlike anything I've ever known. There is still much I don't know, and I have yet to write my own ritual and build my altar, but I feel good.

I'm very excited for the year to come.

I am so excited for 2012.

I am heading back to college. So stoked for that. I start January 3rd. I'll be going for my Direct Transfer Associate's Degree in Business. That means I'll be able to get priority admission to the University of Washington in a couple years.

The University of Washington is my dream school. It is a very good school. I plan on attending the Business School there and eventually getting my MBA. I also plan on majoring in Korean, so the first couple years are going to be hardcore. I'm so excited for that.

In the meantime, I'm attempting to learn Korean on my own. Just basic Korean. I'm learning at Talk to Me In Korean and I must say, I really like it. It's very much affordable. And by that I mean, it's free. I plan on buying the content that isn't free though. I want to support this site.

I feel good, and I feel like I'm learning. I'm very happy. I don't know who this person is that I'm turning into, but I really like her.

To End 2011

I had a crazy year.

• It was my first full year with my boyfriend.
• My daughter turned 4.
• I got a great job in Seattle.
• I totaled my car.
• I got reunited with my baby brother.
• I made some awesome friends.
• I realized my goal is to pursue balance in my life.

I also realized this year that I can be happy, even when things aren't going so well. I'm almost 24, and this was a hard lesson to learn. I guess I was just sick of feeling so heavy all the time, and I realized it wasn't just my weight making me feel that way. It was my attitude. I know, I've made so many promises to myself that this is the way it's gonna be from now on, or that behavior is going to stop...but this time I mean it. I'm ready for my life to change.

I am ready to Thrive.