Tuesday, January 17, 2012
My boyfriend and I had a fight the other day. I posted a senseless, rude comment on facebook about how everyone around me is getting married and I don't have someone who "loves me that much." It caused problems. All of his friends commented at me, telling me basically that my post was dumb and I don't understand what marriage is. It was dumb, I agree with that. But what kind of friend would really second guess me and see it as anything other than what it was: a self-deprecating, mocking post making fun of myself. Yeah, I've been pressuring my boyfriend a lot lately about a ring, but I don't really expect one. I don't think I'm ready for marriage. I had a child early, and I've grown up a lot, but I don't think I'm ready for marriage at all. I'm just beginning college, and I have a lot to figure out first.
The only thing I am sure of is my love for my boyfriend. I'm glad this didn't end in total disaster, just utter humiliation on my part. But that's the price I have to pay. Still, I'm a little upset that so many people thought I was really bitching about not being married yet. How little they must think of me.
My boyfriend also stated that a friend of his thinks I am delusional and that I think marriage would solve our relationship problems. Excuse me, but how stupid do you think I am? That's like a woman intentionally getting pregnant to keep a man with her. It's childish and an all around bad decision. Marriage is a challenging, but rewarding thing that you don't just rush into. My mom rushed into marriage with my father, before she attended any college, and to this day she is bitter and regretful and I do not want that for myself. I love my mother, but my biggest fear is being her age and living with the heavy burden of self-loathing that she carries every single day.
I do want to get married. I do, with all of my heart. And if I could guarantee that I would be able to marry my boyfriend, I'd love to. But not at this moment. I am in no hurry.
I wish people would get that. I think what hurt me the most about this whole thing, other than the hurt I caused my boyfriend, was that none of the people who talked to him about how stupid my post was came and talked to me. They commented at me, but nobody took me aside, or sent me a private message, to ask me what I meant. I'm a silly person, and my sense of humor is very self-deprecating. I wish I had a circle of friends that understood me.
It was a stupid thing to post, and now I feel more alone than ever.
Thank the Goddess that my boyfriend listens to me. I love him so very much.