I am bisexual.

Many people do not know this about me. My long line of relationships with men demonstrate an undeniable attraction to men, and since I have not dated a woman (offline, I mean), nobody assumes. Which is a good thing.

I love my boyfriend. I want to marry him. But as I grow confident and embrace my femininity, I long for female companionship. Maybe I just need to make more friends. But that is so hard for me to do. I just would love to be surrounded by feminine energy, not only emanating from myself and the Goddess, but from other likeminded individuals.

I don't want a girlfriend, because I am monogamous. But I do want to be around other women.

I wish I knew how to do that.

I need a new car, and other thoughts.

Ever since my car accident on December 4th, I have been taking the bus everywhere. My income does not really allow for a big purchase, and my credit is rather shot after I fled domestic violence from my child's father. That said, I have fallen in love with taking the bus, and if I had my way, I'd use my car only to drive to my daughter's school, my mom's house, my boyfriend's house, and the store.

But first, I really have to get a car. I work in one city, live in another, my mom (who takes care of my daughter a lot) lives in yet another, and my boyfriend lives in a completely different county!

I'm also being more eco friendly. I bought organic food tonight and organic, locally produced house cleaners. I didn't go to the store just to look for organic things, but I did need a few staples and I thought it was worth the extra few dollars to buy local organic. What do you think? I'm not very knowledgeable about the differences between organic and earth friendly things, and the other stuff, but I figure at the very, very least, cleaning up my carbon footprint even infinitesimally will make me feel good.

I am enjoying my job more and more every day. I have more responsibility now, and I like being so busy. School is very hard though. I didn't know it would be this much of a struggle for me. I'm so intelligent. I know, I know, it sounds like I'm bragging but I really am. I used to be considered MENSA material, but now...

After years of lethargy, mental illness, and chaos, I don't think I'm playing my A-game. And that sucks. It really sucks.

Pagan Discussion Group

I joined a pagan discussion group this evening. It was wonderful. I am new to the group, but I felt very comfortable and safe there. We discussed pendulums this evening. I found one at the shop that was a little pricey, but it really spoke to me.

During the discussion, I borrowed someone's pendulum from her collection, and at the end of the session, she told me to keep it. I assume it's because it also spoke to me.

The chain is around eight inches long.

I'm in love with it. I promised it that I would love it and cherish it and take care of it. And I asked it to please be my guide.

I spoke with other pagans at this event and they told me to ask my spirit guides about my phobia of orca. Orca are beautiful animals, but for some reason, seeing them in the wild or even on the television will make me quack with fear, and most of the time I sob uncontrollably.

While at the shop, which is called The Venus Moon, I also purchased a beautiful silver ring. I knew there was something I was supposed to see, so while some of the other people went for a smoke break, I browsed the shop and I was drawn to the jewelry case. This caught my attention. I was not surprised that it was a perfect fit.

I also bought some incense and next Saturday I plan to buy a few ritual candles and candle holders. I'm very excited for this. I've finally made contact with local fellow pagans!

I'm struggling a little bit.

Today was my first day of class. After standing in line for an hour and a half in the student bookstore, I finally set off to find my first classroom. English went well. I am excited for that class. Math, however, I am not looking forward to. I really dislike math, as I am no good at it, and so I just want to get my math requirements over with.

Intro to Law will be fun. Challenging, but fun.

All I could think of was how nice it would be to quit my job and just be a student. I can't do that. I know, many single mothers have to do work and go to school, but I am really worried about how tired I'm going to be.

I need to detox a little. Get as much stress out of my life, build some routine, so that I may persevere.

I need some help.

I feel as if I'm panicking. Don't get me wrong. I'm still incredibly optimistic. I just am recognizing my weaknesses right now, before they become an issue. This kind of proactiveness is new to me.

My world is strange.

This is it, you guys.

Tomorrow is January 3rd. I begin my long, wonderful quest of college. I'm a little nervous about going back to school. I know that this is because I've never been in a mindset where I genuinely believed I would succeed. Now, that I'm  healthy, I actually have faith in myself, and that is so new. It's very uncomfortable, believe it or not.

I'm also nervous because I hate getting my hopes up and letting down my guard only to be disappointed in myself again. I am afraid I'm going to let myself down. I know I should work on that, but it's a very deep-rooted fear.

I would like to request a little something from my readers. Please send me positive energy that I might be able to thrive as an employed, full time student, and single mother. I really want to do this, you guys. I really, truly do. Thank you so very much, from the bottom of my heart.

How far I've come.

I found a poem I wrote on October 1st

I feel stuck
Everything slipping away
Too fast, so confused
Even still
I am progressing more
Staying still
Moving on
What will it take?

Peace.

In just a few short months, look at how far I've come.

Not Goodbye.

I couldn't sleep, so I set about getting some housecleaning done. I'm getting some new hand-me-down furniture from my mother in the next two weeks, so I figured I should tidy up the place. My upstairs looks amazing, thanks to IKEA. I will post pictures in a future post, I promise, but let me just say this: There are rainbows involved.

While I was cleaning up my desk area, I found a letter I wrote to my boyfriend ten months ago, but I didn't give it to him.  I'm glad it never reached him.

Chris,

I love you.

For the first time in my life I know what I want, and that's you. But that commercial is right.  Valentine's Day is an opportunity to celebrate "us," to say that I love "us."

Lately...I don't. I love you, and you have helped me love myself too. I wish that we were greater than the sum of our parts, but we're not. 

I am a jealous, insecure person. I try to hide it behind the bigger, better parts of me - the loving, eager, dedicated, vivacious Heather.

You are amazing. Everything I've ever wanted. Smart, funny, handsome, and independent. You can be so sweet, so romantic.

I need you. I need you to love me. I need the romance. Sweet text messages, or supportive Facebook comments. Showing up randomly with flowers or waking up to a romantic email. I don't think you can give me those things.

Well, I think you can because you used to. I don't think I am the one for you. I don't think your heart beats faster when you see me, I don't think the thought of losing me breaks your heart. I don't think you care whether or not you hurt me, only if there are consequences for hurting me. 

You won't chase me after you read this. Even if I told you you could change my mind. You know I'm right. You aren't in love with me. In your own words, you love me because I entertain you.

I love you, and I want to be with you. I want to marry you and have a life with you. My life began when I met you. 

Nobody has ever changed me so much for the better. I am so grateful to you. I hope one day you are happy with your life, and you find a partner who is good enough, and strong enough, for you.

As for me...I deserve to be loved completely. When I'm sad, when I'm fat. When I'm lazy, when I can't be calmed down. I'm trying to be happy - with my life, and myself. I need to be with someone who loves me and needs me as much as I love and need them.

It breaks my heart that you don't. I would have married you tomorrow had you wanted. My life is yours, and it always has been.

I'll miss you. Be happy.

You are loved.

                                                       -Heather Baby