To End 2011

I had a crazy year.

• It was my first full year with my boyfriend.
• My daughter turned 4.
• I got a great job in Seattle.
• I totaled my car.
• I got reunited with my baby brother.
• I made some awesome friends.
• I realized my goal is to pursue balance in my life.

I also realized this year that I can be happy, even when things aren't going so well. I'm almost 24, and this was a hard lesson to learn. I guess I was just sick of feeling so heavy all the time, and I realized it wasn't just my weight making me feel that way. It was my attitude. I know, I've made so many promises to myself that this is the way it's gonna be from now on, or that behavior is going to stop...but this time I mean it. I'm ready for my life to change.

I am ready to Thrive.

What A Day!

I had a long day. I woke up around 8:30am, and headed to job club at Worksource. Job club is this kinda neat thing where all the people on TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families) get together once a week for a workshop or just to discuss the obstacles in finding a job or to network, etc. It's kind of cool to commiserate with a bunch of people who know what you're going through. At least, in that aspect of your life.

At 11am, I had an appointment with my caseworker at my mental health clinic. That went really well. She seemed really supportive and nice. That was new. I usually think she's a sociopathic bitch, but that's not really fair of me, is it?

I came home after that to wait for a Very Important Phone Call.

My brother, after almost two years of no contact, was finally going to be released from the No Contact Order issued after a domestic violence dispute we had. I missed him so much. I made phone calls and looked for work while I waited. Finally, at 4pm, I got it. It was all over. I finally could see my brother again.

I saw him tonight, and it was all teasing, affection, and humor. Even a little adventure! Oh man.

My sister is coming for a visit in a couple weeks.

I'll have my family again.

Under the Gun

I don't want to be rich.
I don't need to be famous.
I don't want everything to be given to me.

I just wish there was a magic pill that took away my stress. I don't need some magic solution to all of my problems. I just wish I could handle shit better. There are so many things I have to do, and since I don't handle stress well, shit just compounds and the situation gets worse! For example: my daughter's daycare keeps getting lice infestations. This daycare also has a no-nit policy. So if there is even a stubborn piece of dandruff on my daughter's head at inspection, they'll send her home. Treating lice is EXPENSIVE! I've cleaned my house and all the linens about five trillion times, and so has my mother at her own home. I even took my child to the Urgent Care so we could both get inspected. The doctor said she found no evidence of LIVE lice on my daughter, and no evidence whatsoever on me.

What the fuck.

I have a long to-do list just for the next three days.

• Finish laundry
• Pay rent, gym, daycare, boyfriend
• Scrub bathroom
• Keep appointment with Debbie @ SMH @ 9:40am on Tuesday 
• Keep appointment with Peggy @ Worksource @ 11am on Tuesday
• Call Hopelink re: Christmas
• Goodwill for clothes for job interview in Auburn
• Go to job interview Wednesday @ 11am

I guess this is what it means to be an adult and a mother. The job hunt isn't going any better than usual either. The job I got in the beginning of the year didn't work out. They wanted me to work hours that are simply not conducive to being a single mother. I'm very sad about that. I really liked that job and I didn't want to quit but I had to. I have a job interview on Wednesday...even if I get it, the job is pretty far away (30ish miles, I think) and it's gonna be boring as fuck.

I don't care. I'll get another one after I finish a quarter or two of school.

I am gonna be getting more medications on Tuesday. Hopefully, they'll work. I really want to function properly. I want to be confident again.

Peace and happiness shouldn't be this hard to acquire. But they are.

And I don't know how long I'll be able to stay stable. I've been contemplating suicide. Surprisingly, despite my depression and overwhelming stress, I haven't been able to give up hope. 

The reason you shouldn't go for jailbait.

I am okay with age differences. I know that SOME teenagers are mature beyond their years. MOST of the time, however, that isn't the case. I personally believe that in MOST cases (I have to really point out that I know there are exceptions to the rule) you shouldn't date someone MUCH younger than you until they are where they need to be in life. A 23 year old dating a 30 year old? WAY different than a 16 year old dating a 23 year old. What the hell could they possibly have in common?

If you were or are in a relationship where you started dating your partner when you or they were in their mid teens, and you're still together or whatever, this is not aimed at you. This is aimed at the people who try to say age is just a number, but really...well they need to date someone more mature.

I am posting an edited version of a conversation I witnessed on facebook. My friend is a 22-23 year old guy who CUT HIMSELF when his jailbait girlfriend cheated on him and left him for a younger guy. He is way too immature and emotionally weak to be dating someone right now if he thinks cutting is an appropriate coping skill. Do I think he's a bad person? No. I think he has shit to deal with. Being with this girl will not solve his problems.


They're back together now, and what you are about to read begins with something the Jailbait Princess posted on his Wall. The immaturity level exhibited by Jailbait Princess and my Emo Friend is kind of lame. WARNING: VERY LONG.

Ughhh.

I'm sick.

This makes the third day of massive migraines, nausea, and weakness, not to mention sheer exhaustion. I don't know what's wrong with me. I couldn't go to my book club meeting, so now I have to wait til next month. Sucks hardcore. I'm behind on training for the 5k, and that is so, so important to me. I WILL go today. I have to.

I kind of got upset today because my boyfriend didn't offer to come over and get me soup or tea or hot chocolate. He knows I'm sick. But you know what, it's okay. Maybe this is what he was talking about when he said he can't handle being in a relationship. You know, this whole "be there when your partner is sick" thing is a lot of work. I know, because I'm ALWAYS there for him when he's sick.

The New Me

A lot of people start blogs as a New Year's Resolution to journal or hold themselves more accountable, you know, in the hope that having subscribers or readers will keep them writing. Sometimes, that isn't enough. I have a few subscribers, and I know a few people have my blog bookmarked. I don't write for them. I love, desire, appreciate their input though. I sincerely hope that if anything I have to say inspires you or reminds you of this one time...you let me know. I'd love to hear your own stories as I tell my own.

I posted about my breakup, and how confused I was. And I still kind of am.

We kept talking after the breakup, over gmail chat or facebook. I kept a smiling face on, even though I was so utterly shredded inside. I even drunk dialed him, but I wasn't too drunk, because I was safe to drive later. I told him about how my ex boyfriends were trying to hook up with me as a rebound fuck because I was newly single, and my efforts to  fight them off. I told him about my plans to go to Emerald City Comicon (which I will talk about in a later post) and how my ex Jon that was going to take me wanted to get a hotel room with me. I told him that we'd have to get two beds, and he was none too excited. He then decided I should go to his place before the con. Yeah right.


A week after the breakup, I went to fetch some of my things from Chris's condo and we decided to go to dinner. At dinner, over buckets of rum (literally), I told him about my new efforts to be independent, inspired by his cruel manner while dumping me. I joined a book club, and a women's social group. I am training for a 5K. I'm doing really well, I told him. When we got back to his place, he sat next to me on the couch and started to cuddle with me. This threw me for a loop, because I had already told him how I was not going to be taken for granted, or assumed to be vulnerable. That's fucking bullshit.

What he said next totally surprised me.

Coming Soon

Dealing with my breakup really fucked with me. But I'm better now. New, lengthy posts coming soon.