Marriage

My boyfriend and I had a fight the other day. I posted a senseless, rude comment on facebook about how everyone around me is getting married and I don't have someone who "loves me that much." It caused problems. All of his friends commented at me, telling me basically that my post was dumb and I don't understand what marriage is. It was dumb, I agree with that. But what kind of friend would really second guess me and see it as anything other than what it was: a self-deprecating, mocking post making fun of myself. Yeah, I've been pressuring my boyfriend a lot lately about a ring, but I don't really expect one. I don't think I'm ready for marriage. I had a child early, and I've grown up a lot, but I don't think I'm ready for marriage at all. I'm just beginning college, and I have a lot to figure out first.

The only thing I am sure of is my love for my boyfriend. I'm glad this didn't end in total disaster, just utter humiliation on my part. But that's the price I have to pay. Still, I'm a little upset that so many people thought I was really bitching about not being married yet. How little they must think of me.

My boyfriend also stated that a friend of his thinks I am delusional and that I think marriage would solve our relationship problems. Excuse me, but how stupid do you think I am? That's like a woman intentionally getting pregnant to keep a man with her. It's childish and an all around bad decision. Marriage is a challenging, but rewarding thing that you don't just rush into. My mom rushed into marriage with my father, before she attended any college, and to this day she is bitter and regretful and I do not want that for myself. I love my mother, but my biggest fear is being her age and living with the heavy burden of self-loathing that she carries every single day.

I do want to get married. I do, with all of my heart. And if I could guarantee that I would be able to marry my boyfriend, I'd love to. But not at this moment. I am in no hurry.

I wish people would get that. I think what hurt me the most about this whole thing, other than the hurt I caused my boyfriend, was that none of the people who talked to him about how stupid my post was came and talked to me. They commented at me, but nobody took me aside, or sent me a private message, to ask me what I meant. I'm a silly person, and my sense of humor is very self-deprecating. I wish I had a circle of friends that understood me.

It was a stupid thing to post, and now I feel more alone than ever.

Thank the Goddess that my boyfriend listens to me. I love him so very much.

I am bisexual.

Many people do not know this about me. My long line of relationships with men demonstrate an undeniable attraction to men, and since I have not dated a woman (offline, I mean), nobody assumes. Which is a good thing.

I love my boyfriend. I want to marry him. But as I grow confident and embrace my femininity, I long for female companionship. Maybe I just need to make more friends. But that is so hard for me to do. I just would love to be surrounded by feminine energy, not only emanating from myself and the Goddess, but from other likeminded individuals.

I don't want a girlfriend, because I am monogamous. But I do want to be around other women.

I wish I knew how to do that.

The reason you shouldn't go for jailbait.

I am okay with age differences. I know that SOME teenagers are mature beyond their years. MOST of the time, however, that isn't the case. I personally believe that in MOST cases (I have to really point out that I know there are exceptions to the rule) you shouldn't date someone MUCH younger than you until they are where they need to be in life. A 23 year old dating a 30 year old? WAY different than a 16 year old dating a 23 year old. What the hell could they possibly have in common?

If you were or are in a relationship where you started dating your partner when you or they were in their mid teens, and you're still together or whatever, this is not aimed at you. This is aimed at the people who try to say age is just a number, but really...well they need to date someone more mature.

I am posting an edited version of a conversation I witnessed on facebook. My friend is a 22-23 year old guy who CUT HIMSELF when his jailbait girlfriend cheated on him and left him for a younger guy. He is way too immature and emotionally weak to be dating someone right now if he thinks cutting is an appropriate coping skill. Do I think he's a bad person? No. I think he has shit to deal with. Being with this girl will not solve his problems.


They're back together now, and what you are about to read begins with something the Jailbait Princess posted on his Wall. The immaturity level exhibited by Jailbait Princess and my Emo Friend is kind of lame. WARNING: VERY LONG.

The New Me

A lot of people start blogs as a New Year's Resolution to journal or hold themselves more accountable, you know, in the hope that having subscribers or readers will keep them writing. Sometimes, that isn't enough. I have a few subscribers, and I know a few people have my blog bookmarked. I don't write for them. I love, desire, appreciate their input though. I sincerely hope that if anything I have to say inspires you or reminds you of this one time...you let me know. I'd love to hear your own stories as I tell my own.

I posted about my breakup, and how confused I was. And I still kind of am.

We kept talking after the breakup, over gmail chat or facebook. I kept a smiling face on, even though I was so utterly shredded inside. I even drunk dialed him, but I wasn't too drunk, because I was safe to drive later. I told him about how my ex boyfriends were trying to hook up with me as a rebound fuck because I was newly single, and my efforts to  fight them off. I told him about my plans to go to Emerald City Comicon (which I will talk about in a later post) and how my ex Jon that was going to take me wanted to get a hotel room with me. I told him that we'd have to get two beds, and he was none too excited. He then decided I should go to his place before the con. Yeah right.


A week after the breakup, I went to fetch some of my things from Chris's condo and we decided to go to dinner. At dinner, over buckets of rum (literally), I told him about my new efforts to be independent, inspired by his cruel manner while dumping me. I joined a book club, and a women's social group. I am training for a 5K. I'm doing really well, I told him. When we got back to his place, he sat next to me on the couch and started to cuddle with me. This threw me for a loop, because I had already told him how I was not going to be taken for granted, or assumed to be vulnerable. That's fucking bullshit.

What he said next totally surprised me.