Depoe Bay

“Why can’t we have nice beaches, like in California?” Dani asked aloud as she hopped to another rock on the jetty. The air was chilly, and the wind rolled through her hair like waves on the sand. She stumbled, and Peter bent to catch her before she fell. 

“You are always complaining. It’s fucking beautiful here,” he muttered as he helped her stand. He knew she would have complained if he hadn’t brought her on this little weekend trip to the coast. He just couldn’t win. 

“You know me, Pete. Easily pleased, but never satisfied.” She was beaming. She thought she was being cute. “Yeah, I know.” Pete mumbled as they reached the end of the jetty. There was nothing before him but the sea.

Meet Diana

The newest addition to my little family:

This is Diana. Pronounced dee-AHN-uh. She's four months old. She was found abandoned with a litter of her brothers and sisters in the woods. She was adopted from Purrfect Pals at PetSmart. 

Diana is the Roman goddess of the moon and of the hunt. For more information about Diana's namesake, please find it here: Diana - Goddess of the moon.

I'm really excited about this. I feel like my family is complete. At my house I have my daughter and my two cats, and at my boyfriend's house I have my love of my life and little Edi, the little ginger cat. It's wonderful.

Lughnasadh

Today I went to a ritual presented by the coven that I mentioned earlier. I didn't go to the public ritual at their house, because I was having a bad day and I didn't want to bring that negative energy to the circle.

The ritual was beautiful. I was almost taken aback by how strongly I felt the presence of the Goddess and the God, and of the guardians of the watchtowers. I don't believe the guardians are actual entities, but I felt Spirit. It was amazing. A true wonder. I felt it as tangibly as I ever thought it was possible. Conducting ritual with those people always reaffirms my dedication to my Craft, and my religion too.

I had a good day. It was a blessed day.

What's new?

Hello everyone. I have been...well...rather disconnected lately. Emotionally and spiritually. School is driving me nuts. I'm taking the hardest class I've taken so far (English 102) and it's stressing me out. I have an interview next week for a part time position that isn't really part time, but it could pay as much as $14/hour which is amazing for someone like me. I will also have an interview with a medical insurance company for their call center. I could make $15 an hour there. I really want that job. It's 13 weeks of training, but so worth it in my opinion. My boyfriend works in a call center for the cable company, and he started at $14 or so an hour and now he makes almost 18. That would be awesome if I could make that much before I finish college.

Spiritually, I don't know. I'm still Wiccan, but I have been too busy to do my morning and evening devotionals, my full and new moon rituals, etc. It's no excuse.

I've also started binge eating like a bitch. I have promised myself not to do it anymore. I'm taking a picture of myself every week from now on, until I'm at my goal weight.

I got a new iPhone 4S. It's amazing. I love it to death. I have a bunch of pagan-y apps on it already.

 I don't know. I just feel like there's a lot on my plate and I don't feel like I get enough recognition for how hard I work. I'm optimistic and I've been doing pretty good with keeping myself thinking positive.

That's really all I can do, and it's all anyone should expect of me. 

And now, a picture of my boyfriend's new kitten, Edi.

I am too negative.

I think on Saturday I blew my chances of ever joining the coven I wanted to join. I went to their open ritual for Litha, and afterwards, I asked their advice about my mother who basically stole $70,000 from my college fund when I was a teenager. The conversation went on, and someone pointed out that the ritual was about letting go of negativity, and I needed to let go of my anger. It was at that moment that I realized...I was being nothing but negative. I wasn't being pleasant at all. I was being self absorbed, negative, and perpetuating that kind of negative energy within the group.

I am so mortified.

I'm going to continue to go to the pagan discussion group, and I'm going to try to show them that I can be positive, but I think my chances are blown.

I guess it's just not meant to be.

Perhaps in February I'll start my own coven.

Esbat

This last full moon, I completed my second full moon esbat ritual. It was invigorating. I didn't prepare as well as I should have however, so I am very much looking forward to next month's esbat to really delve into myself.

Even without all the details, I felt the ecstasy that Starhawk talks about when describing how magic and ritual should make one feel. I mean, I think I did. It wasn't the quaking shudder of orgasm, but a resonating vibration of my very spirit.

It was quite inspiring.

Of course words can't do it justice. I will try, but no matter what masterpiece of words I create, I don't know if I'd ever really capture that feeling.

I don't know...

I'm under a whole bunch of stress lately. I know I just made a list of how much I'm looking forward to the future, but what's mental illness but worrying about things too much?

• I'm worried about money. I don't have enough to get me through until I get more financial aid money in July. My friend told me he'd help me, but I don't like asking for money. I haven't even made my car payment yet.
• I'm worried about school. This quarter is just horrible for me. 
• I'm worried about paying for college once I transfer to a four year university
• I'm worried about getting IN to a quality four year university.
• I'm worried about finding a coven. I know, when the time is right, one will find me, but I crave the way I felt at the public rituals I've been to. I can't seem to reproduce that...magic...when I practice on my own.
• I'm worried about myself. I have been making so much progress with changing my worldview and calming down, but with my anxiety going out of control lately, I'm worried I won't be able to continue growing and evolving.
• I'm worried about getting a letter from my doctor saying I need a companion pet for my anxiety. If I don't, I'll have to pay a HEFTY pet deposit at my apartment, and I just can't pay it.

I need help. I don't know anyone who can or is willing to help me though. I mean, my friend said he'll lend me money when I run out, but making phone calls to agencies around here asking for help, help calling doctors so I can find a pediatrician and new primary care physician for myself and my daughter, help calming down. 

I am still optimistic...but this stress is destroying me. 

I adopted a kitty!

So here's the story.

I decided to adopt a kitten a couple days ago. I went on craigslist and found a 3 month old male kitten that had his shots and was neutered. He came with toys, two food bowls, a self refilling water station, and two litter boxes. All for a $50 rehoming fee. So I emailed the family and arranged to pick him up at 9am the next morning.
I woke up 2 hours earlier than usual because their home was over an hour away, and took my daughter to school. When I was halfway to Gig Harbor, where they lived, I received a text cancelling because it was their daughter's birthday and she was crying over them giving their kitten away.

Who gives away a child's pet on their birthday!?


So I returned home and posted my own ad on craigslist ad looking for a kitten or young cat preferably already with their vaccinations for a small rehoming fee. I received several messages, but one was local and VERY reasonable. This time, for a six month old female kitten. I arranged to pick her up that very day.

As soon as I had arranged that, the original family texted me, saying they were willing to give me the kitten for free now because they were sorry for the mix up. I apologized and told them I couldn't afford to drive that distance again. They begged me to take the kitten, but I just couldn't drive all that way again before school.

 My friend and I went to pick up my new kitten at a little house in Edmonds. The house had 5 roommates in a two bedroom, and there were books about pot all over the living room. There was a huge bong proudly displayed over the fridge.

The story we were told about my kitty is that she was found in the woods at around 3 weeks old, and was bottle fed. She was abandoned. She is a shy, sweet kitty, and needs a quieter home than the one with the 5 young people acting all crazy. They were party people. (Nothing wrong with party people, but just like people, some animals don't like that atmosphere.)

So I brought her home, and after just a few hours here at home, she is already willing to come out of hiding and interact with myself and my daughter. She is super sweet and I just love her to pieces.

Without further ado, meet Arya.

The Future Is Going to Be Bright With Opportunity

I am so excited about the future. I know I say this quite a bit, but I really am looking forward to, well...LIFE.

• I think my love life will be just fine. I am a strong, capable, beautiful woman and I know that love will find a way.
• I think my child and I will thrive as I begin to increase how much I have her to more than 50% of the time.
• I think I will be successful in school.
• I think financially, I'll be able to budget properly.
• I think that since I'm taking Momo's sperm donor to court for child support, I'll finally be able to cut the cord with him and stop talking to him.
• I think that someone will someday step up and be the father Ariana deserves.
• I think I will flourish in my religion.
• I think I will make friends and keep them for years. 
• I think I will be happy consistently for all of 2012. 

I can't wait to see what the future holds for me.

Working Out - Next Phase

Okay. So usually, I am a little skeptical when I see a diet or workout touted as "the best." I think it's kind of rich for people to try to advertise their workout or diet as THE BEST because some things work for some people and some things don't.

I'm not star athlete. I'm dozens of pounds overweight, and I am battling a food addiction. I prefer to cozy up in bed with a good book, show, movie, or my laptop to physical exertion. But that's all going to change. There is an extra credit project for my P.E. class that has me going to Livestrong to track my food and activity level for three days. While tracking my food, I followed a link to something they are touting as The Best Fat Burning Workout You've Never Tried. I took a look at it.

I am very excited about trying this. I hate getting bored with my workouts, but I am too shy and introverted to really try anything else (I do want to try Zumba, but that's another story!). I'm stoked to begin doing this.

What's the worst that could happen?

I'm going crazy!

Embracing my motherhood is a big part of my religion. I want to excel at my natural task of rearing a child. My child. But due to my mental illness, it's really hard.  My mom usually takes my daughter a few nights a week to give me a break, but my mom is out of town this week and so I've had my daughter nonstop since Tuesday. It's killing me. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and I love being a mom, but the stress is giving me anxiety attacks and it's affecting my ability to do my homework. I don't know what to do. My mom won't be back in town til late Tuesday, so she'll be picking up my daughter from school on Wednesday. I have so much homework to do before then!

I wish I wasn't so severely ill. I'd be in a much better place in my life if I wasn't. 

My Patron Deities

A couple days ago, I completed a guided meditation with the focus of meeting your spirit guides. It was fantastic, but instead of meeting spirit guides, I encountered my patron deities. This was amazing, because while I had a name from the God, I didn't have a name for my patron Goddess. She had not revealed it to me yet. Since my breakup, I have been spending a lot of time studying my religion. I guess that's why they decides to reveal themselves to me in that sacred place.

 Cernunnos is my patron God.

And Andraste, or Andrasta, is my patron Goddess.

To be honest, this is the first time I've ever really seen my patron deities. I heard Cernunnos tell me his name before, but I never saw him the way I did that day. Even during my meditation, Andraste didn't even tell me her name, really. I just got a notion that it began with A and had an S in it. I am drawn to the Celtic pantheon, so I researched, and there she was. What was uncanny to me, in a sense that I have not grown used to this kind of closeness with the divine, is that there was also a creature there that looked at first like a wolf, but once I got closer to it, it was actually a thinner bear than I'm used to. I don't know what role that noble creature has to play. Imagine my surprise that wasn't quite surprise when I learned that Andarta, the fertility goddess that is suspected to be linked to Andraste, is associated with the bear.

This was immensely powerful experience. I cannot wait to further my study and deepen my relationship not just with my patron deities, but the divine within myself.

My morning devotional.

I wrote a devotional. It's simple and cheesy, but I am rather proud of it.

Morning rises, the sun is here

I shall keep the Goddess near

And to guide my path today

The God of the Sun shall light my way

Hail, Lord and Lady, shining bright

Protect me until blessed night

May I today learn your name

As I light this sacred flame

I too must grow as all life must

In perfect love, and perfect trust

May I find the Divinity in me

To feel the Lord and Lady’s harmony.

So...I'm suddenly single.

My boyfriend broke up with me. It's a long story, but I was at fault and I did deserve it. I didn't cheat on him or anything, but I did hurt him. Badly. I'm going to try to win him back, however. I love him more than anything else in the world, except my daughter. I need him. I know that's pathetic, but I need him back. I love him too much. When things are good, they're amazing. He told me he was thinking about proposing. I have to at least try to get him back. I would do anything for him.

Anything.

California Video Blog!

I left California when I was 18. I'm a completely different person now. I'm excited to really enjoy California the way it's meant to be enjoyed. A

I'm Going to California!

Oh my god!

My best friend's father, Mark, is buying me a plane ticket to go back home to California, where I grew up! I'm going at the end of June!

I'm so excited! Yay!

He's the best male figure in my life. I just adore him, and he's been helping me since I was a teenager. He tutored me in math, and he watched Lost with me every week when my life started falling apart. He bought my plane ticket to California for my 21st birthday as well.

No, it's not a sexual or romantic relationship. He's like the father that I've always wanted. My own real dad abused me and abandoned me.

I'm so happy!

Yay!

Remember when I posted about the conflicting information from my school? Well, I had a discussion with my P.E. teacher  and she helped me transfer to a Jogging/Cardio class that DOES allow me to use my own gym. It's not the class that my college advisor told me about, but it's still P.E. credit.

It's a lot of work though. I need to really focus these next few weeks. Hardcore studying.

Blah.

Drama queens on the internet.

There is someone on a message board I go on that is absolutely ridiculous. This person changes personality constantly, always deleting their account and then starting over. She always has the same shtick when she comes back: She has been holding onto private messages that prove some secret about another poster, but that poster has done something "unforgivable" and she is going to reveal that secret. It's always a new poster, and it's always the same routing whenever she comes back with a new account.

I know, I know. She's just trolling, right? That's where it gets weird. She gets so defensive and starts accusing others of misusing the message board and having some kind of reprehensible flaw (she accused me of being a bad mother because I go on message boards). I can handle internet trolls. I find most of them entertaining. But  there is something that is off about this one. I think she's legitimately ill.

It's very unfortunate. I hope she gets help.

Conflicting information annoys me.

When I signed up for the PE class I need to get credit for my degree, I was told that I could get credit for working out at my own gym. Fast forward to the first day of class, and guess what? I got a big, fat

NOPE

I really hate that. Like, for real. I still have time to drop the class for a refund, but that sucks, you know? The school gym is over crowded and has shitty equipment. I pay $30 a month for my gym membership, so that's why I took the course in the first place.

I wish institutions would get their shit together and give me the same information all over the board.  I have this problem with DSHS too. That's Department of Social and Health Services. One social worker will tell me one thing, while the call center will tell me another, and I'd get yet another story from a different social worker. It's ridiculous. Why is it that the two arguably most important institutions in my life have to be so disorganized?

I can't stand it.

Hello, friends. Long time no see!

Wow! It's been a while since I've posted. Things got kind of crazy toward the middle of the school quarter, so I had prioritize my hobbies and things like that.

I've quit my job. I wasn't going to make it through finals if I continued working a job that stressed me out and was pretty much emotionally killing me. I plan to live off of financial aid for the foreseeable future. I did interview for a job that I would LOVE to get, but they haven't got back to me. Oh well. They said I'd hear back this week, and it's only Tuesday, so I won't give up quite yet.

I'm taking 4 classes this quarter. I'm taking the final two credits of Math 80, Accounting 101, Interpersonal Communication, and PE. I'll need to take PE 100 and PE 102 at 2 credits each in order to fulfill my Health requirement for my degree, but that's fine. Free gym! And the instructor is a personal trainer, who will help me for free (well, unless you consider the price of tuition). I'm rather excited about this quarter.

My boyfriend and I are still together. We've had a couple of hiccups lately, but I love him and I want to make it work. I love his family so much, and I love his hobbies and his sense of humor. He's been really supportive lately too. He's made me so happy.

He's even going to babysit my daughter this Saturday while I have class. He's never watched her for me before. I'm really excited that he's willing to take that next step in our relationship.

In all, things are alright. I have a lot of work to do the next few months, but I'm sure everything will work out. It always does.

The universe is my mother, and it always takes care of me.