I don't know...

I'm under a whole bunch of stress lately. I know I just made a list of how much I'm looking forward to the future, but what's mental illness but worrying about things too much?

• I'm worried about money. I don't have enough to get me through until I get more financial aid money in July. My friend told me he'd help me, but I don't like asking for money. I haven't even made my car payment yet.
• I'm worried about school. This quarter is just horrible for me. 
• I'm worried about paying for college once I transfer to a four year university
• I'm worried about getting IN to a quality four year university.
• I'm worried about finding a coven. I know, when the time is right, one will find me, but I crave the way I felt at the public rituals I've been to. I can't seem to reproduce that...magic...when I practice on my own.
• I'm worried about myself. I have been making so much progress with changing my worldview and calming down, but with my anxiety going out of control lately, I'm worried I won't be able to continue growing and evolving.
• I'm worried about getting a letter from my doctor saying I need a companion pet for my anxiety. If I don't, I'll have to pay a HEFTY pet deposit at my apartment, and I just can't pay it.

I need help. I don't know anyone who can or is willing to help me though. I mean, my friend said he'll lend me money when I run out, but making phone calls to agencies around here asking for help, help calling doctors so I can find a pediatrician and new primary care physician for myself and my daughter, help calming down. 

I am still optimistic...but this stress is destroying me. 

Hello, friends. Long time no see!

Wow! It's been a while since I've posted. Things got kind of crazy toward the middle of the school quarter, so I had prioritize my hobbies and things like that.

I've quit my job. I wasn't going to make it through finals if I continued working a job that stressed me out and was pretty much emotionally killing me. I plan to live off of financial aid for the foreseeable future. I did interview for a job that I would LOVE to get, but they haven't got back to me. Oh well. They said I'd hear back this week, and it's only Tuesday, so I won't give up quite yet.

I'm taking 4 classes this quarter. I'm taking the final two credits of Math 80, Accounting 101, Interpersonal Communication, and PE. I'll need to take PE 100 and PE 102 at 2 credits each in order to fulfill my Health requirement for my degree, but that's fine. Free gym! And the instructor is a personal trainer, who will help me for free (well, unless you consider the price of tuition). I'm rather excited about this quarter.

My boyfriend and I are still together. We've had a couple of hiccups lately, but I love him and I want to make it work. I love his family so much, and I love his hobbies and his sense of humor. He's been really supportive lately too. He's made me so happy.

He's even going to babysit my daughter this Saturday while I have class. He's never watched her for me before. I'm really excited that he's willing to take that next step in our relationship.

In all, things are alright. I have a lot of work to do the next few months, but I'm sure everything will work out. It always does.

The universe is my mother, and it always takes care of me.

Under the Gun

I don't want to be rich.
I don't need to be famous.
I don't want everything to be given to me.

I just wish there was a magic pill that took away my stress. I don't need some magic solution to all of my problems. I just wish I could handle shit better. There are so many things I have to do, and since I don't handle stress well, shit just compounds and the situation gets worse! For example: my daughter's daycare keeps getting lice infestations. This daycare also has a no-nit policy. So if there is even a stubborn piece of dandruff on my daughter's head at inspection, they'll send her home. Treating lice is EXPENSIVE! I've cleaned my house and all the linens about five trillion times, and so has my mother at her own home. I even took my child to the Urgent Care so we could both get inspected. The doctor said she found no evidence of LIVE lice on my daughter, and no evidence whatsoever on me.

What the fuck.

I have a long to-do list just for the next three days.

• Finish laundry
• Pay rent, gym, daycare, boyfriend
• Scrub bathroom
• Keep appointment with Debbie @ SMH @ 9:40am on Tuesday 
• Keep appointment with Peggy @ Worksource @ 11am on Tuesday
• Call Hopelink re: Christmas
• Goodwill for clothes for job interview in Auburn
• Go to job interview Wednesday @ 11am

I guess this is what it means to be an adult and a mother. The job hunt isn't going any better than usual either. The job I got in the beginning of the year didn't work out. They wanted me to work hours that are simply not conducive to being a single mother. I'm very sad about that. I really liked that job and I didn't want to quit but I had to. I have a job interview on Wednesday...even if I get it, the job is pretty far away (30ish miles, I think) and it's gonna be boring as fuck.

I don't care. I'll get another one after I finish a quarter or two of school.

I am gonna be getting more medications on Tuesday. Hopefully, they'll work. I really want to function properly. I want to be confident again.

Peace and happiness shouldn't be this hard to acquire. But they are.

And I don't know how long I'll be able to stay stable. I've been contemplating suicide. Surprisingly, despite my depression and overwhelming stress, I haven't been able to give up hope.