What's new?

Hello everyone. I have been...well...rather disconnected lately. Emotionally and spiritually. School is driving me nuts. I'm taking the hardest class I've taken so far (English 102) and it's stressing me out. I have an interview next week for a part time position that isn't really part time, but it could pay as much as $14/hour which is amazing for someone like me. I will also have an interview with a medical insurance company for their call center. I could make $15 an hour there. I really want that job. It's 13 weeks of training, but so worth it in my opinion. My boyfriend works in a call center for the cable company, and he started at $14 or so an hour and now he makes almost 18. That would be awesome if I could make that much before I finish college.

Spiritually, I don't know. I'm still Wiccan, but I have been too busy to do my morning and evening devotionals, my full and new moon rituals, etc. It's no excuse.

I've also started binge eating like a bitch. I have promised myself not to do it anymore. I'm taking a picture of myself every week from now on, until I'm at my goal weight.

I got a new iPhone 4S. It's amazing. I love it to death. I have a bunch of pagan-y apps on it already.

 I don't know. I just feel like there's a lot on my plate and I don't feel like I get enough recognition for how hard I work. I'm optimistic and I've been doing pretty good with keeping myself thinking positive.

That's really all I can do, and it's all anyone should expect of me. 

And now, a picture of my boyfriend's new kitten, Edi.

I am too negative.

I think on Saturday I blew my chances of ever joining the coven I wanted to join. I went to their open ritual for Litha, and afterwards, I asked their advice about my mother who basically stole $70,000 from my college fund when I was a teenager. The conversation went on, and someone pointed out that the ritual was about letting go of negativity, and I needed to let go of my anger. It was at that moment that I realized...I was being nothing but negative. I wasn't being pleasant at all. I was being self absorbed, negative, and perpetuating that kind of negative energy within the group.

I am so mortified.

I'm going to continue to go to the pagan discussion group, and I'm going to try to show them that I can be positive, but I think my chances are blown.

I guess it's just not meant to be.

Perhaps in February I'll start my own coven.

Esbat

This last full moon, I completed my second full moon esbat ritual. It was invigorating. I didn't prepare as well as I should have however, so I am very much looking forward to next month's esbat to really delve into myself.

Even without all the details, I felt the ecstasy that Starhawk talks about when describing how magic and ritual should make one feel. I mean, I think I did. It wasn't the quaking shudder of orgasm, but a resonating vibration of my very spirit.

It was quite inspiring.

Of course words can't do it justice. I will try, but no matter what masterpiece of words I create, I don't know if I'd ever really capture that feeling.

My morning devotional.

I wrote a devotional. It's simple and cheesy, but I am rather proud of it.

Morning rises, the sun is here

I shall keep the Goddess near

And to guide my path today

The God of the Sun shall light my way

Hail, Lord and Lady, shining bright

Protect me until blessed night

May I today learn your name

As I light this sacred flame

I too must grow as all life must

In perfect love, and perfect trust

May I find the Divinity in me

To feel the Lord and Lady’s harmony.

My Path

I grew up with an LDS mother and a Roman Catholic father. I was not oppressed religiously by any means. I'd go to church one week with my mother and the next with my paternal grandmother. I enjoyed church, but I never felt a personal connection with the Christian god.

In my teens, I explored Paganism and Wicca, but my mother cut that off with her paranoia and fear of Satan. Our lives were hard enough, she'd say, and inviting the devil inside would only make things worth. I've tried over the years to assimilate once again with the LDS church, but while I appreciate the buzz of being in a room with a bunch of people who are strong in their faith, I did not share their convictions.

Now that I am grown and run my own household, I am ready to embark upon the Wiccan path once again. I feel great about it. It resonates with me unlike anything I've ever known. There is still much I don't know, and I have yet to write my own ritual and build my altar, but I feel good.

I'm very excited for the year to come.