Depoe Bay

“Why can’t we have nice beaches, like in California?” Dani asked aloud as she hopped to another rock on the jetty. The air was chilly, and the wind rolled through her hair like waves on the sand. She stumbled, and Peter bent to catch her before she fell. 

“You are always complaining. It’s fucking beautiful here,” he muttered as he helped her stand. He knew she would have complained if he hadn’t brought her on this little weekend trip to the coast. He just couldn’t win. 

“You know me, Pete. Easily pleased, but never satisfied.” She was beaming. She thought she was being cute. “Yeah, I know.” Pete mumbled as they reached the end of the jetty. There was nothing before him but the sea.

Meet Diana

The newest addition to my little family:

This is Diana. Pronounced dee-AHN-uh. She's four months old. She was found abandoned with a litter of her brothers and sisters in the woods. She was adopted from Purrfect Pals at PetSmart. 

Diana is the Roman goddess of the moon and of the hunt. For more information about Diana's namesake, please find it here: Diana - Goddess of the moon.

I'm really excited about this. I feel like my family is complete. At my house I have my daughter and my two cats, and at my boyfriend's house I have my love of my life and little Edi, the little ginger cat. It's wonderful.

Lughnasadh

Today I went to a ritual presented by the coven that I mentioned earlier. I didn't go to the public ritual at their house, because I was having a bad day and I didn't want to bring that negative energy to the circle.

The ritual was beautiful. I was almost taken aback by how strongly I felt the presence of the Goddess and the God, and of the guardians of the watchtowers. I don't believe the guardians are actual entities, but I felt Spirit. It was amazing. A true wonder. I felt it as tangibly as I ever thought it was possible. Conducting ritual with those people always reaffirms my dedication to my Craft, and my religion too.

I had a good day. It was a blessed day.

What's new?

Hello everyone. I have been...well...rather disconnected lately. Emotionally and spiritually. School is driving me nuts. I'm taking the hardest class I've taken so far (English 102) and it's stressing me out. I have an interview next week for a part time position that isn't really part time, but it could pay as much as $14/hour which is amazing for someone like me. I will also have an interview with a medical insurance company for their call center. I could make $15 an hour there. I really want that job. It's 13 weeks of training, but so worth it in my opinion. My boyfriend works in a call center for the cable company, and he started at $14 or so an hour and now he makes almost 18. That would be awesome if I could make that much before I finish college.

Spiritually, I don't know. I'm still Wiccan, but I have been too busy to do my morning and evening devotionals, my full and new moon rituals, etc. It's no excuse.

I've also started binge eating like a bitch. I have promised myself not to do it anymore. I'm taking a picture of myself every week from now on, until I'm at my goal weight.

I got a new iPhone 4S. It's amazing. I love it to death. I have a bunch of pagan-y apps on it already.

 I don't know. I just feel like there's a lot on my plate and I don't feel like I get enough recognition for how hard I work. I'm optimistic and I've been doing pretty good with keeping myself thinking positive.

That's really all I can do, and it's all anyone should expect of me. 

And now, a picture of my boyfriend's new kitten, Edi.

I am too negative.

I think on Saturday I blew my chances of ever joining the coven I wanted to join. I went to their open ritual for Litha, and afterwards, I asked their advice about my mother who basically stole $70,000 from my college fund when I was a teenager. The conversation went on, and someone pointed out that the ritual was about letting go of negativity, and I needed to let go of my anger. It was at that moment that I realized...I was being nothing but negative. I wasn't being pleasant at all. I was being self absorbed, negative, and perpetuating that kind of negative energy within the group.

I am so mortified.

I'm going to continue to go to the pagan discussion group, and I'm going to try to show them that I can be positive, but I think my chances are blown.

I guess it's just not meant to be.

Perhaps in February I'll start my own coven.

Esbat

This last full moon, I completed my second full moon esbat ritual. It was invigorating. I didn't prepare as well as I should have however, so I am very much looking forward to next month's esbat to really delve into myself.

Even without all the details, I felt the ecstasy that Starhawk talks about when describing how magic and ritual should make one feel. I mean, I think I did. It wasn't the quaking shudder of orgasm, but a resonating vibration of my very spirit.

It was quite inspiring.

Of course words can't do it justice. I will try, but no matter what masterpiece of words I create, I don't know if I'd ever really capture that feeling.

I don't know...

I'm under a whole bunch of stress lately. I know I just made a list of how much I'm looking forward to the future, but what's mental illness but worrying about things too much?

• I'm worried about money. I don't have enough to get me through until I get more financial aid money in July. My friend told me he'd help me, but I don't like asking for money. I haven't even made my car payment yet.
• I'm worried about school. This quarter is just horrible for me. 
• I'm worried about paying for college once I transfer to a four year university
• I'm worried about getting IN to a quality four year university.
• I'm worried about finding a coven. I know, when the time is right, one will find me, but I crave the way I felt at the public rituals I've been to. I can't seem to reproduce that...magic...when I practice on my own.
• I'm worried about myself. I have been making so much progress with changing my worldview and calming down, but with my anxiety going out of control lately, I'm worried I won't be able to continue growing and evolving.
• I'm worried about getting a letter from my doctor saying I need a companion pet for my anxiety. If I don't, I'll have to pay a HEFTY pet deposit at my apartment, and I just can't pay it.

I need help. I don't know anyone who can or is willing to help me though. I mean, my friend said he'll lend me money when I run out, but making phone calls to agencies around here asking for help, help calling doctors so I can find a pediatrician and new primary care physician for myself and my daughter, help calming down. 

I am still optimistic...but this stress is destroying me.