Spreading My Wings? HAHA.

I don't know if that title could get any more cliche, but I'll go with it. It's appropriate, at the very least. I joined 20sb in an effort to, I don't know, contribute to a community that might find something valuable in my writing, and also to find other people who I can, I don't know, relate to. Lately, my lack of a social life and friends has really been nagging at me, so I thought it was time to feel a little bit more like I belong somewhere.

I am working on editing the design of this blog. I don't think it's quite finished yet, it looks like a half assed Geocities page right now, and that's really not what I'm going for. Work in progress, right?

Cyber Bullying - Continued

I am the first to admit I get emotionally invested in people I meet online. When I'm debating something I feel strongly about, when people disagree with me. Sometimes I am downright rude or harsh. I'm only human. I don't, however, wish death on people for disagreeing.

I posted a thread on a message board discussing my opinion that Groupon's commercials were funny and shouldn't be criticized because Groupon does support the causes they parody in their commercials and it's ridiculous that people called for an apology from them. My point was, and I'm copying and pasting here:

I believe that if you can't laugh at something, then it wins. If you can't laugh at tragedy, disaster, misfortune...then horror wins, and I refuse to let that happen.

Finding humor in a shitty situation is not the same as accepting it, or agreeing with it, or contributing to it.

The response to this from the other person in the thread was this:

I hate stupid people. I hope your family members or loved ones are brutally murdered. So I can laugh at it. You insensitive prick.

What the hell is that? Hypocritical much? The only thing I could say to that particular post was this:

I've never wished death on anyone.

Who is insensitive? The one who finds light in the darkness, or the one who actively wishes tragedy to befall someone?

Cyber Bullying

I am often confused by the way people react to cyber bullying. Lately, it has gotten so much attention and so many new Facebook groups have popped up in an attempt to draw awareness and combat the growing trend. It's a little irritating. Cyber bullying is the easiest type of bullying to avoid or stop. You just have to disconnect.

Yes, coming from an internet addict, that's a little rich. However, I do not take cyber bullying seriously. On IMDb or other forums, once someone starts bullying me, I laugh. I am not mean, nor do I deserve to be picked on. Knowing this about myself helps me keep my head above water. I know it's hard in 2011 to delete annoying friends or bullies from your facebook, or to make your privacy settings more strict. I know you want to relate to people online as if they were your friends. Based on my experience, you shouldn't trust anyone online until you've known them for at least 6 months, and even then, you should be wary.

To the parents of cyber bullied children: This is why you should keep your children off the god damn internet. Why are 11 year olds making YouTube videos and friending strangers on Facebook? You are the one to blame for your children committing suicide because you are the one who was negligent in your parenting. First you let them have personal profiles on Facebook or YouTube or Twitter. Then, you never checked their emails or messages or texts. Then you didn't notice changes in their behavior that should have been tell tale signs of depression or suicidal thoughts. And finally, you neglected to figure out why they were depressed.

I know this may seem harsh, but I am not apologetic for it. I was suicidal for many years, and on the internet for many years. My parents did everything they could to get me treatment and disconnect me from the internet. Did they succeed? They did. At least, long enough for the danger to pass. Parents aren't failures when they try their best. I just don't think today's parents are trying hard enough.

I receive anonymous insults every single day over Formspring, and not so anonymous insults via private message on my forums. I don't care. I think it's hilarious. When it comes to cyber bullying, people need to step back, relax, and realize that these bullies are sad, lonely people who are obviously overcompensating for something they lack in their own lives. These are not the types of people you should care about. You shouldn't give a shit about their opinion of you, because obviously their opinions of themselves are not very high either.


And remember: Don't feed the trolls.

Getting Healthy

I'm not going to turn this into a fitness blog. This is my personal journal, about my life and the way internet addiction has made it what it is. Part of the consequences of being an internet addict, however, is the loss of physical fitness.

Now, I know that not all of us are fat, wheezing, e-pussy starved beasts. Some of the internet's greatest trolls are skinny jerks who can eat a large pizza and a 2 liter of Dew and not even get full. One thing I can say for certain though is that someone who spends as much time sedentary as I do cannot be healthy. They cannot.

Which is why I have starting dieting again. The birth of my child in late 2007 didn't do near as much damage to my body as sitting stooped in a very poorly designed desk chair for hours every day. I have had to come to terms with this in order to change it, but it hasn't been easy. I'm socially anxious, and getting out and to the gym has been quite an adventure for me.

I'm managing to do it though. I consume 1200-1300 calories on the days I don't work out, and 1500-1600 (1700 if I'm stressed) on the days I do work out. I work out 4-5 times a week, at least for half an hour, but I try to do more. My boyfriend is helping me learn how to circuit It's been about two weeks, and I already feel stronger and healthier due to the conversion of fat to muscle, and the added nutrients to my diet from NOT eating Taco Bell every day. My clothes are fitting better already, and I can see slimming in my face, even though I haven't seen a difference in pounds yet. I'm not a health expert, but I figure my body is in shock. I know my mind is still WHAT THE WHAT at my new schedule and return to a diurnal clock. I have gone from 2100 calories a day, burning only at my basal metabolic rate, to a drastic calorie deficit. I'm not starving myself by any means, but I'm using muscles now that I haven't used in literally years.

Why am I doing it?

I need to find ME. I've been fully addicted to the internet since I was 11, and I started playing Ultima Online. I fell into the arms of e-identity after being bullied mercilessly from 4th grade until my sophomore year of high school. Even after the bullying stopped, the internet and my nerdiness played a huge role in my social identity with my friends.

I never took my formative years seriously, and unfortunately, neither did my parents. I am emotionally and socially stunted. While I am very intelligent, I find it hard to relate to other human beings. Getting healthy will help me shed the pounds I've been hiding under for so many years, and get outside. Into the mountains to hike, kayaking on the ocean, and dancing under the stars.

I'm not here anymore. Raydran is somewhere out there, and I have to find her.

Oh dear god, no.

My computer monitor has, I believe, shit the bed. It is flickering on and off, and that scares me. What am I supposed to do without a computer monitor? Will I be once again sentenced to a life of facebook, hotmail, and wikipedia on my shitty ass Shadow phone? (Side note: T-Mobile sucks ballz, and the only reason to sign a contract with those greedy, overpriced dataphonemediocrecoveragemonkeys is if you really don't want to pay a deposit. Or you hate quality service.)

My brother is currently using my old, functioning computer monitor. I don't want to take it away from him. He cannot afford a new one, and he's using it to play WoW. Anyone who knows anything about anything knows that hardcore WoW players cannot stop playing WoW for an extended period of time, as they will be kicked out of their raiding guilds.

I don't want to be a douche, although by rights, it is my monitor and I could take it any day I choose.

Let's see how long I last before internet addiction overtakes familial bond.

Habits and Welfare

After I woke up yesterday evening, I fought the discomfort and exhaustion. I had to stay awake for just a little while longer. The little longer turned into all night and now I'm back where I was before: exhausted, but not able to sleep for fear of sleeping far longer than I should.

I have much to do today. My to do list:

• Fill out the annual lease papers. If I don't turn them in this morning, I am pretty much homeless.
• Pay my rent.
• Fill my prescriptions from my hospital stay.
• Buy socks for the gym. (Does anyone else have a hard time keeping track of socks? I wear each pair once and then they disappear. Fancy that.)
• Go to the gym.
• Finish cleaning up my house.
• Get a few loads of laundry done. Including put away. That's the part I struggle with the most.

That's quite a lot for someone as sedentary as myself. But I want to be different. I want to change. I want to be someone who lives life, not someone who hides from it. Right? Is that so wrong? Unfortunately, I could wish until I turn blue and I still wouldn't have a life anyone would envy.

On the 7th I get to return to the office to look for a job. Two hours, every day. That includes travel time, so I might cheat a bit. Oh noes, traffic!  It's just to appease the welfare gods, that they not smite me with benefit withdrawal. I look for a job every day, it's not like I am happy to live off welfare. I don't see why I have to go to a stuffy office with employees that are grossly underqualified for the job. Or at least, they are not competent. My personal case worker at JobSearch uses an ergonomic keyboard and mouse, and she types at about 15 words a minute. And she's telling me the skills I need to have to get a job?

Get a clue, lady. I'm brilliant with computers. The only thing I lack is a piece of god damn paper saying that I listened to enough stuffy old people to be able to handle customer service. Which I think is a load of bullshit, because I fucking love customer service and conflict resolution. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me what I already know I am good at.

What It's Like

I spent the weekend with my boyfriend. I was online there too, naturally.

Part of my addiction comes from the belief that I would be bored if I didn't spend time on the internet. That's a load of bullshit, honestly. I'm an internet addict, but I subscribe to blogs and facebook pages that are about living a disconnected life, offline, in the world. I know that there is fun and life to be had AFK but what do I really do about it?

I went to the hospital last night. I slept all day today, trying to regain my health. Instead, I feel fuzzy and weary, almost too tired to type this. My body aches and I just want to space out.

But I am here. Pushing through the pain and exhaustion, to play on the internet.

What's wrong with me?

I am full of self-loathing. Not so shameless anymore.